I hate seeing marriages fall apart…it’s NEVER pretty…EVER.  Today I wanted to share seven reasons why marriages fall apart…

#1 – The Couple Takes The Commitment Too Lightly – Whenever a couple enters into marriage thinking, “well, if this doesn’t work out then I will just…” there is a good shot that the marriage isn’t going to make it.  We need to stop planning for our divorce before the ceremony actually takes place!!!  When the vows take place…those aren’t words that should be taken lightly…but rather a promise before a Holy and Awesome God that should be prayed through and thought about…A LOT!

#2 – Compromise Is The Foundation – When a person feels like they are not getting God’s best…but convinces themselves that, with a little time, the other person can be shaped up…there’s trouble.  Jesus leads us…but never to compromise.  (BTW…if he/she is asking you to compromise before marriage…their pursuit PROBABLY isn’t Jesus but rather getting you out of your clothes!)

#3 – Unrealistic Expectations – I know people that once thought, “once I get married I will be happy!”  And…they’re not happy!  Too many couples go into marriage thinking that somehow the other person is going to fill a void that only JESUS could fill…this is dangerous!  (BTW…ladies, “he” is not going to make you happy, if you aren’t happy now you are going to CRUSH him when he can’t fulfill your desire.  And dude…”she” is NOT going to have sex with you all of the time…she’s a woman with a heart and a soul, not a sex toy that should be available at your desire!!!)

#4 – Bad Counsel – It’s sad…but in America today there are more people who will buy into what a talk show host who has never been married says about the subject than what the Scriptures say!  OR…instead of seeking godly counsel when the marriage is in trouble they will surround themselves with people who will affirm their dysfunctional ideas rather than call them out.  When we refuse to seek what Jesus says on an issue…it’s NOT going to go well.

#5 – Selfishness – Whenever a person believes the marriage is all about “getting my needs met,” it’s over!!!  Marriage is NOT someone else’s service opportunity but rather OUR opportunity to serve our spouse.

#6 – Laziness – Couples date before marriage…and stop doing so soon after the ceremony!  Marriage takes WORK!  I am SO guilty of being lazy at times…giving my best at work and then coming home and expecting Lucretia to be content with the leftovers.  SHE’S NOT!  That is why DATING after marriage is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than dating before the marriage!  If a man stops pursuing…and the woman stops responding…that spells trouble!!!

#7 – No Communication – It BLOWS MY MIND the couples that will talk ABOUT one another…but not TO one another.  If a couple wants to see success in marriage then they MUST be willing to have serious, heart to heart conversations…even when it’s hard!!!

One of the questions I often get by guys/girls is how do I know whether or not we should stay together or break up…so…let me throw a few things out there that I hope may be helpful…

I SHOULD BREAK UP WHEN/IF…

#1 – The other person (usually the guy) ceases to pursue me and make me feel special/valuable. (If he is a slacker before marriage…it will be HORRIBLE after marriage!)

#2 – If our relationship is based on sex. (If you are having sex then you are not experiencing true intimacy.  SO…when you get married you are going to discover that you have nothing to talk about because you built your relationship with the hay and straw of sexual experiences and not the bricks of self control and discipline.)

#3 – If they are not fun then they’re not the one! (Seriously…if you do not enjoy being with him/her and/ore spending time with them before the marriage…why in the heck would you ever think that you will after marriage?  Don’t marry someone that you don’t like–DUH!!!)

#4 – The Holy Spirit is pressing you to end the relationship. (There are SO many people I’ve spoken with that KNOW the Lord is pressing into them to end the dating relationship…but because of their insecurities they just won’t do it.  If God is commanding you to give something up that means He has something greater in store.  Even though you can’t see it…He can!!!  I Corinthians 2:9)

#5 – You KNOW you aren’t going to marry the person you are dating. (Dating was not created to be some sort of hobby/sport.  So…when you KNOW that the relationship is NOT heading beyond its current condition…you KNOW that he or she is NOT the person God has for you…END IT!  Don’t date someone just so you won’t be alone…this situation ALWAYS goes bad because so many people get married “just because we thought it was the next step!”)

#6 – He/she is always flirting with other people…and/or he/she isn’t faithful to you before marriage. (If they AREN’T being faithful before marriage…they won’t be after marriage either!!!)

#7 – You think, “he/she isn’t who I want them to be…but I can change them.” (PLEASE READ THIS…YOU ARE NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE!!!  God is the ONLY ONE who can change someone…and reality is the reason God may not be changing the person you are with is because you are in the way…and your compromise does not bring that person closer to Christ…it drives him/her away!)

#1 – “Nice” Christan Boys And Girls Make Me Sick – it’s true!!!

#2 – Six Signs The Dating Relationship Is In Trouble!

#3 – Five Things A Single Dude Should Know! I love single dudes…praying that we continue to seemore godly men step up!!!

#4 – Seven Reasons Why Marriages Get Into Trouble! A good thing for couples to review together!!!

#5 - A TRUE LOVE STORY – this one WILL make you cry…amazing…a couple who said “I do” and meant it!!!

He’s Slacking Off When…

• What is special to her is no longer special to him – you didn’t have this attitude when you were dating, but once you married her you thought, “I don’t have to work now!”  Wrong…you’ve got to work harder!
• You won’t pray with her or for her!
• You stop pursuing her romantically and sexually.
• You see her as your servant rather than your opportunity to serve.
• You want to use her for sex and don’t care if she truly feels connected romantically to you.
• You talk down to her and/or constantly raise your voice to her.
• You compare her to other women…in front of her.
• You are keeping secrets from her.

She’s Slacking Off When…

• You love talking about him (in your prayer gossip group) but have no desire to talk to him about the problem.
• You love it when he spends more time at work…that means you don’t have to be around him as much.
• You disrespect him out loud and often in front of your children.
• You know TONS about the lives of your kids…but are clueless about what is going on in his life.
• You withold sex to punish him and/or to get your way.
• You are keeping secrets from him.

And…in case you didn’t pick up the questions yesterday (or for those who were not there)…we handed out a card with five questions on it that we challenged husbands and wives to use as a guide to have a conversation with one another sometime in the next 24 hours…the questions were…

1) Have you ever had sex with someone other than me since we have been married?
2) Where have I become slack in my efforts to make you feel important?
3) Men ask your wife to complete this sentence: I think its romantic
when you_____.
4) Women ask your husband to complete this sentence:I feel the most
appreciated and respected when you________.
5)Are you engaging in anything online that you be ashamed of if I found out?

#2 – Refuse to run from tempting situations!  (Genesis 39:1-12, I Corinthians 6:18)

#3 – Look at LOTS of porn!  (Job 31:1)

#4 – Connect with “old flames” through online social networking and then convince yourself it is ok because you aren’t actually doing anything wrong!

#5 – Refuse to talk to your spouse about issues that make you angry…just bury them and let a huge pile build up so that you can explode irrationally on them when they totally do not expect it.  (Ephesians 4:25-27)

#6 – Have an affair!!!

#7 – Make sure you spend lots of person time with the same person of the opposite sex that you are not married to…and when confronted on it say, “It’s business.”

#8 – Make “innocent” remarks to an attractive person of the opposite sex such as, “I wish I had met you before I had gotten married.”

#9 – Put an ad for yourself on an internet dating site…even though you are married…just to see what type of interest you could create!

#10 – Compare your spouse with other people OFTEN and convince yourself that you didn’t get God’s best when you agreed to marry him/her.

#11 – Have an affair!!!

#12 – Take your cues about sexual morality from Hollywood and your “friends” rather than God’s Word.  (John 14:15)

#13 – Begin to believe that your spouse’s main mission on this planet should be to meet your needs…and when they don’t then justify trying to get your needs met elsewhere.

#14 – Fantasize often as to what it would be like to be with another person other than your spouse.

#15 – Be willing to sell out years of marriage, the respect of your children and your character for an orgasm.

Like I said…we will be dealing with this on Sunday…because I am SICK AND TIRED of seeing marriages being destroyed and the church remaining silent about it.

Sunday’s message is not going to be for the faint of heart…but I believe that Jesus is going to use it to save marriages (and future marriage for you singles) from A LOT OF PAIN and FRUSTRATION!

See you on Sunday!

#6 – Stop Looking At Other Houses!

The thing a lot of people do when they begin to build a house is look at other houses and covet things about that house instead of being thankful for the one they have.

The same is true with pastors…the reason so many are falling is they are buying satans lie that “the grass is greener on the other side,” not realize that the only reason that is so is because that grass is over the septic tank.

Job 31:1…dude, memorize it, get it tattooed on your face, do whatever you need to do…but STOP looking at other women and thinking, “I did everything wrong with my wife…but if I could start over with her then things would be awesome.”

Not true…if you started over with her you would still be the weak, pathetic wus that you are right now…the one who would run when the heat gets turned up, the one who would care more about your feelings than the wake of destruction you would leave, the one who would refuse to repent and then uses God’s grace as an excuse to continue to sin.

Bottom line…if you run from this marriage you will run from the one you think will be awesome!!!  Stop LOOKING and “your dream house” and make the one you’ve got right now YOUR DREAM HOUSE!!!

The dude who was consumed with sex and himself was never used by God to do great things…ever!

One more thing…

Some pastors might not be about to have an affair or jump out of their marriage…but you are addicted to porn.  Dude…it’s sin, you know it…and you need to get help because it WILL destroy your marriage.  Trust me…as a former porn addict I know the damage it will cause.  You’ve GOT to stop looking at other men’s daughters like that…and, if you need help, get help.

(Here is a blog post I did several years ago where I outline my personal battle with pornography and how I was able to gain victory over it!)

Final Thoughts…

I know I came across as strong in some of these posts…I meant to.  Because, in the end, I have a heart for pastors…and I want to see more, not less, cross the finish line and be able to say, “I have fought the good fight…I have kept the faith.”

It’s NEVER been easy to give up on marriage that it is right now…and that’s why I am calling on ALL pastors and church leaders to do whatever we can to make sure our marriages are healthy.

No one wants to see another ministry destroyed because the pastor could not keep it in his pants!!!  AND…if we are going to call the men in our churches to high standards of integrity then we’ve GOT to lead the way.

When the builders show up next door they don’t just walk in the house and lay down and begin to pray that the work will get done…they walk onto the property ready to work.

Unfortunately the reason so many pastors marriages go bad is that they are willing to pray for their marriage…but unwilling to roll up their sleeves and actually work on it.

Like I have alluded to before…pastors know how to work on the Bride of Christ…they just don’t know how to work on the bride the Lord has given them…and that needs to be repented of!

Guys…what matters to your wife?  What does she consider to be romantic?  What does she consider to be fun?

The bottom line is this…in my marriage Lucretia defines success for me—that’s it!  She is the one who lets me know if I am being successful as a husband…or if I am being slack.

And pastor—YOUR marriage WILL TAKE WORK.  We can’t complain about how bad our marriage is if we haven’t given our best effort.

So…ask yourself that question…are you giving your marriage the very best you’ve got…or are you giving your wife leftovers and expecting her to give you a feast?

(I did this blog post just a few weeks ago about questions husbands should ask their wives…it’s a good place to begin.)

#5 – Invite others to help

The house next door has a leader who heads up the project…but he isn’t going at it alone.  If one dude tried to build the house it would take FOREVER to get it done…and maybe he might not ever finish it because there are just some things that a man can’t do alone.

One of a man’s BIGGEST sins (including pastors) is the issue of PRIDE!  We HATE admitting we’re in over our heads.  We HATE saying that there is a problem that we just can’t handle…but reality is…God didn’t intend for us to do life alone.

How exactly does this apply to marriage?  Simple…two ways…

The first is…if you are struggling in your marriage…ASK FOR HELP!  I don’t care if you are the freakin pastor…GET HELP NOW!  James 5:16 tells us to confess sin to one another and pray for one another.  Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us we need others in our lives to SPUR and ENCOURAGE us!

Dude…there is TOO MUCH AT STAKE to let your pride get in the way of you getting help.  Don’t allow your stupidity to shipwreck the faith of so many people.

Let me say it again…if you need help…ASK FOR IT!  The only reason a person in the body of Christ EVER has to drown is because they don’t have the courage to ask for a life preserver!

The second is…spend time with people who have an awesome marriage.  Take them out to dinner and ask them a lot of questions.  It’s amazing what we can learn from others who have gone before us.

The third is…(I know I said two)…read as much as you can about marriage.  Many of us have recommended lots of books to others…but have you actually read them and followed the advice yourself?

We NEED each other…unfortunately, LOTS of pastors have buddies—very few actually have friends, which makes this hard.  We should seek to establish deep friendships and be willing to be transparent with those closest to us…like I said, we can’t make it on our own.

Here’s the deal about the house next door…the dudes working on it show up EVERY DAY…EARLY…and stay late.

Hey church leader…in order to build a home you need to BE AT HOME…period!

I know WAY too many pastors who let the expectations and demands of needy, clingy church people (notice I didn’t say Christians) DRIVE them to a place of insanity and burnout…and then those same church people will stand around his coffin and talk about how he should have taken better care of himself.

Too many pastors are at other kids baseball games and missing their own kids baseball game…this HAS TO STOP!

Guys…we’ve GOT to spend time at home…and NOT apologize for it.  We’ve GOT to be with our spouse in order to work on the marriage.

My recommendation…ask her questions like…

• What time would you like me home every night?
• How many nights a week would you like for us to have dinner as a family?
• How can I serve you and the kids once I get home?
• What can I do for you when the kids go to bed to make you feel special?  (BTW…she’s not going to say, “channel surf!”)

Now…before I move on…let me deal with the nasty reason many church leaders don’t want to go home…

Because at home they are NOT “a rock star!”

You see, at church, at ANY size church, the pastor is “the man.”  He’s respected and admired and often complimented by others.  In many cases this can produce a false perception of power and control…and the pastor begins to think that everyone who sees him needs to bow and pay homage.  (Which is something that needs to be repented of…they don’t serve us…we serve one another and we all serve Christ!)

Then he goes home…and his wife and kids just aren’t impressed with him.  (Dude, your wife has seen you naked…there is ABSOLUTELY nothing about you that impresses her!)  And…some guys can’t handle being the servant at home…they have to be “the man,” and that NEVER contributes to a healthy marriage.

One of the BEST things we can BEG God for is for Him to allow us to see ourselves through His eyes…which will not usher in feelings of pride but rather humility and gratitude!

The other day I spent hours in a meeting talking about campuses, budgets, traveling…all kinds of HUGE decisions that needed making.  Then I left church and went home…where in less than five minutes I was wiping Charisse’s butt because she had just dropped a bomb!  God uses things like this at times to remind me, “At the end of the day…all you are is a servant…and don’t ever forget it!”

Guys…guess what…we’ve got to see “butt wiping” as just as important as budgeting!   We’ve got to see setting the table as just as important as setting up a service.  We’ve got to see washing dishes as just as important as watching sermons on youtube!  We’ve GOT TO BE THERE for our wife and kids…

If we’re not there for our family…satan will be…don’t let him lead what God has give you responsibility for!

#1 – We’ve Got To Have A Solid Foundation

The first thing they did when they began constructing the house next door is make sure the foundation was solid.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:24-27 that we should take the time to make sure the foundation is ROCK SOLID…because WHEN (not if) the rains come and we aren’t solid…the crash is going to be intense.

So…church leader, here’s the question for us today…how much time and effort are we putting into making sure than the foundation of our marriage is solid?  It’s really sad when a church leader spends hours and hours developing a plan for a successful ministry…but won’t put a fraction of that time into developing a plan for a successful marriage.  What is your plan for success in your marriage?

(BTW…if you marriage falls apart, your ministry will too…so it’s worth the effort!)

We’ve GOT to take the marriage covenant seriously!

One more thing…if you are single and in ministry the BEST WAY to prepare yourself for marriage is fall in love with Jesus and do EVERYTHING it takes to stay connected to Him.  AND then don’t settle for ANYTHING less than someone else who does the same thing.

It is WAY better to remain single than to be with the wrong person!

#2 – Follow The Plan

I’ve driven by the house next door several times and have seen the guys actually stop building and gather around the plans to make sure they are getting things done right…that’s not a bad plan for our marriages either…are we building according to God’s plan…such as…

• Guys…are you being harsh with her when you speak?  She’s your wife…NOT your staff member.  (I Peter 3:7)  AND…btw…you should not be harsh with your staff either!
• Ladies…is he feeling respected and admired by you?  (Ephesians 5:33)
• Guys…are you serving her like Jesus served…or is your focus on being served?  (Matthew 20:28)
• Ladies…are you reminding him of a torture device that won’t shut up? (Proverbs 27:15)
• Guys…are you making sure she is completely taken care of, OR are you neglecting her in order to make yourself look good?  (Ephesians 5:25-27)
• Ladies…are you a crown or cancer?  (Proverbs 12:4)
• Guys…are you aware of what a blessing she is?  (Proverbs 31:10)
• Ladies…are you careful or careless in how you speak and how you spend?  (Proverbs 19:14)
• BOTH OF YOU…are you taking care of one another sexually?  (I Corinthians 7:3-5)
• Single dude…are you LOOKING for a wife or expecting to be found?  (Proverbs 18:22)

I could go on and on…but the problem is so clear…to many church leaders are trying to teach God’s Word and not LIVE God’s Word.  And…if this falls apart in our house then it is only a matter of time before it falls apart in God’s house!

I told them that basically women are hard to understand.  (Don’t fight it…it’s true!)  :-)  BUT…there are three questions that every woman is asking about herself that, if we as men understand, we can begin to get insight as to how to treat and serve her.

#1 – Am I Beautiful?

Women want to know that they are beautiful–period.  AND…what is sad is that many of them have gone to great (and painful) extremes to feel this way…even if the feeling is only temperorary.

A hubands job is to CONSTANTLY try to make his wife feel beautiful.  How do you know what makes her fee beautiful?  ASK HER!

AND…a father should ALWAYS make it a regular practice to tell his daughter how beautiful she is.  Dude, if you don’t…some young punk will come along who will…and NOT for the right reasons.  I tell Charisse she’s beautiful so much that when the first little dude drops that line on her she’s going to look at him and say, “I know that…tell me something new!!!”

BTW…husbands…my wife helped me to understand this…your wife doesn’t want to feel “cute” or “pretty” or “ok,” she wants to you YOU THINK SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!

#2 – Am I Valuable?

I Peter 3:7 tells us as men that we are to treat our wives as a valuable, priceless treasure.

• A man who sees his wife as valuable will always be mindful of the way he speaks to her and about her to others.
• A man who sees his wife as valuable isn’t as obsessed with what he can get from her…but rather is obsessed with how he can serve her.
• A man who sees his wife as valuable will spend more time with her on the couch than he does on the golf course!
• A man who sees his wife as valuable ISN’T interested in telling her how beautiful she is ONLY when he perceives that he might be able to “get something” from her!
• A man who sees his wife as valuable would NEVER HIT or YELL at her…EVER.
• A man who sees his wife as valuable would see her as a necessary part of his life…not an inconvenience!

#3 – Am I Worth the Pursuit?

Many men do an awesome job of pursing a woman…UNTIL the wedding ceremony…and then it’s over!

And this is where romance begins to fade because, well, the woman just doesn’t feel like she’s being pursued anymore…that her prince is fighting for her heart and DEEPLY and PASSIONATELY cares about her.

Husbands should make it a regular practice of pursuing their wives…”romance” should not be a word only used on Valentines Day…or when you are “in the mood!”

She wants to know you love HER!  AND…the best way to do that is to be willing to fight for her heart.

This may be painful for some.  You may have neglected her for a long time…and there is much hurt and bitterness there.

BUT…if she knows you are willing to fight for her heart then she will more than likely allow you to pursue her again…and it IS your job to do this dude!

She needs to know that you would be willing to do ANYTHING to win her heart back…ANYTHING!

Our job/responsibility/honor as men is to make our wife feel beautiful, treat her like she is valuable and to fight like crazy for her heart.  A woman who is well loved like this by her husband will be a blessing to her husband…ALWAYS!