#2 – Stop Asking God To Fix Your Spouse And Ask Him To Fix You – no one in any marriage is perfect…and when we stop pointing out all of our spouses perceived inadequacies it really does make us a much better person to be around.  (Psalm 139:23-24 is a GREAT prayer to pray when asking God to show you your very own “opportunities for improvement.”)

#3 – Ask For Help – you are NOT the first married couple that has ever struggled, you WON’T be the last.  The problem is that (especially in church) we are so obsessed with what people may say or think that we will allow our relationships to implode.  We cannot allow our desire for appearance to distort the reality that we need help!

#4 – Ask The Lord To Allow You To See Your Spouse Through His Eyes – this can/will absolutely CHANGE your perspective on who you are married to…because you see them less and less as your spouse and more and more as a son/daughter of the KING!!!  How do you think He wants His child to be treated?

#5 – Choose Right Now That You Are Always Going To Believe The Best About Your Spouse - Love always assumes the best about a person (see I Corinthians 13,) if you are always assuming the worst about the person you are married to then you have a major problem and are placing them in a no win situation.

#6 – Stop Seeing Your Spouse As Your Servant But Rather Your Opportunity To Serve – As long as you see them as your servant you will always be tempted to point out their shortcomings in regards to the ways they are not meeting your perceived needs.  However, if you see them as your opportunity to serve it will completely change the dynamic and temperature of the relationship.

#7 - Do WHATEVER IT TAKES To Get To Our REAL MARRIAGE EVENT (details here!) – trust me, this event is going to be one of THE BEST events our church has ever hosted, Mark & Grace Driscoll are great friends and what they are going to be sharing that weekend has the power and potential to revolutionize your marriage!!!  (As of now over 1,400 people have registered, that means there are less than 700 spots available, this event will sell out so I would recommend getting signed up ASAP!)

(And singles, this is for you as well…the best way to HAVE a great marriage is to actually prepare beforehand!)

#1 – He Uses The Phrase, “The Ball Is Now In Your Court!”

This usually means that he is tired of pursuing you…and so he is going to abdicate his role as the man and actually wants you to pursue him!  DON’T DO IT!!  You are worth the pursuit and if you wind up pursuing him now then he is, most likely, not going to pursue you after you get married. (And GREAT marriages always include pursuit…by the man!)

#2 – He Says He Has “Issues” But They Will Get Better Once You Are Married.

Marriage is a magnifier–period!  If he is addicted to porn now it’s not going to disappear when you get married.  If he has racked up a massive amount of debt on credit cards and is unwilling to address it and make changes then you are headed for a financial train wreck…and unfortunately bankruptcy and divorce LOVE to hang out together!

#3 – You Have To Tell Him To “Stop” Because He Is Making You Uncomfortable!

He should NEVER put you in that position.  He is not struggling for purity if he isn’t fighting for it!

#4 – The Closer You Get To The Wedding The More Uninterested In You He Seems!

If he is slacking off in his efforts to make you feel special today…it’s not going to get better after the ceremony tomorrow!

#5 – You Only Know Him Through An Online Relationship

Anyone can be anyone online!  You have no idea who that person really is until you have spent an extended amount of time with then.  How do they handle anger?  Hurt?  Disappointment?  DO NOT allow yourself to be swept away by a guy you don’t really know!!!

#6 – You Have To Talk Yourself Into Being With Him (enough said!)

#7 – You Have To Drag Him To Church (enough said!)

#8 – He Lies To You

Trust is HUGE…and, ONCE AGAIN please understand that it won’t “get better” when you get married!!!  If he does not love and respect you to tell you to truth about him now…then you can’t trust him, period.  And a relationship that is not built on trust will crash!

(AND…BTW…these need to be evident BEFORE marriage!!!)

#1 – Honesty

Two people who are not going to be honest with each other need to go ahead and plan to not make it.

Lucretia and I made the commitment before we got married that we would not have secrets from one another–EVER!

This is especially true when it comes to finances.  I’ve seen so many problems happen in marriage because one person decided to spend money without the other person knowing it…this NEVER, I mean EVER turns out to be a good thing.

AND…if you are dating and do not feel like you can tell the person you are with anything…then why in the heck are you dating that person???

#2 – Humility

Philippians 2:3-5 are incredible verses for ANY married couple…because…two people who consider each other better than themselves will NEVER have problems!  I can honestly say that the biggest problems in my marriage over the past 11 years have came as a result of me being frustrated with my wife about how I perceive she has fallen short of “serving me,” which is arrogant, self centered and sinful!  Reality is that when I become more like Jesus I become more of a servant and not someone who simply wants to be served!

Two people who make it their goal to out serve one another never wind up in divorce court…and…if you are dating and the other person is always trying to get something from you but never wants to do anything for you…RUN!!!

#3 – Patience

If we want to be more like Jesus we have got to be more parient (see II Peter 3:9!)  One of the thing, though, that I have noticed is that the person I seem to trend towards being the least patient with is my wife…when, in actuality, I should demonstrate the most patience with her because she and I are one!

Couples that are always biting at one another are NEVER pleasant to be around…and Galatians 5:15 carries a warning for people like this.

AND…once again, if you are dating someone and they constantly demonstrate impatience with you and always seem to be attacking you rather than building you up…RUN!!!  Marriage is NOT going to bring understanding…marriage is a magnifier and will simply bring out more of what already exists in the relationship.

#4 – Self Examination

I am learning more and more that EVERY time I get angry/frustrated with my wife that, instead of taking that opportunity to point out her “opportunities for improvement” that I should instead step back, look in the mirror and make sure that what seems to be frustrating me about her isn’t, in fact, something that is wrong with me.

A person that is open to the Lord’s correction and willing to examine themselves will make an excellent spouse.  (I have NOT been an excellent spouse in the past…so thankful that I have a patient wife!)  :-)  Because, I fully believe that self examination will always result in some sort of confession and repentance.

Think about this…even if 90% of the problem is attributed to your spouse, what if you stepped up and owned the 10% of the problem that you were responsible for?  WOW!  It is an amazing relationship with the spouse will beg God to “show me how to improve” rather than, “God, please fix my spouse…they are CRAZY!”

AND…if you are dating and the person is always pointing out your problems but never has said “I’m sorry,” you guessed it…RUN!!!

#5 – Jesus

Take a look with me at Colossians 1:17 with me.  Go ahead, click on it!

Scripture clearly says that “in Him ALL things hold together.”  Every marriage that I’ve ever seen fall apart has one thing in common, either one or both of the people involved decided not to wrap their lives up “in Him!”

As we get closer to Jesus we become more and more about Him and others…not ourselves!

If we want our marriages to hold together then each person must consistently pursue Jesus–period!

And…if you are dating and the relationship ISN’T focused on Christ…then I PROMISE you that whatever the focus of the relationship is will not be enough to sustain it long term.  If the person you are dating isn’t becoming more like Christ then I can promise you that the relationship WILL hit a wall and it WILL hurt…so…RUN!!!

(The sermons are available on itunes and on the NewSpring Church website if you want to see/hear them in their entirety.)

#1 – Who or what you pursue will ultimately determine what you do and who you become.  It is a spiritual impossibility to pursue Jesus AND sexual sin at the same time.  (Psalm 25:15)

#2 – As a friend of mine has often said, “God is not after our begrudging submission but rather our joy!”  And long term joy, peace and fulfillment are never the result of pursuing sexual sin.  (Please read Proverbs 5, Proverbs 6 & Proverbs 7 for further confirmation in regards to this point.)

#3 – Sexual sin is not something that can be “prayed away,” nor can we simply read Bible verses about grace after committing it in order to feel better.  NOR can we simply promise God over and over that we won’t do it again (how’s that working for you?)  We CAN be set free from it…but it will not be pretty.  It must be confessed (James 5:16) and repented of (Revelation 2:21-23!)  (I did not overcome my nearly 20 year battle with pornography until I confessed it and asked for help!)

YES, it may “cost you” when it comes to your reputation…but remember, the costs of concealment are far greater than the costs of confession…and repentance is WAY more important than our reputation.

#4 – Sexual sin costs us our spiritual esteem…people who are involved in sexual sin feel disconnected from God, guilty and spiritually dead.

#5 – For those who want to STOP sinning sexually…a decision MUST be made to renew your mind (Romans 12:1-12,) to FIGHT the battles in your mind (II Corinthians 10:5) and to ask GODLY men and women to come along side of you and both encourage and spur you when necessary (Hebrews 10:24-25).

(PS…this means you have to stop saying, “I messed up sexually.”  OR, “I made a mistake!”  Call it what it is…sin.  AND stop meeting with people who are doing the same things that you are doing and so when you get together to “hold one another accountable” you are actually hoping that the other person “messed up” so that you don’t feel bad about doing so!)

#6 – Understand that IN CHRIST you CAN have victory over sexual sin!!!  (See Romans 8:37, I Corinthians 15:57, Philippians 4:13!)  IN CHRIST you are NOT a victim but rather a receiver of VICTORY!  If Jesus overcame DEATH then Christ in you can help you breakthrough the stronghold of sexual sin!!!  (Luke 1:37!!!)

#7 – For those who belong to Christ and are trying their best to pursue Him on a daily basis but are still haunted by a sexual past…remember that is who you WERE, it is not WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST!!!  (II Corinthians 5:17!)  Do not allow what used to defeat you to define you!  You are no longer defined by what you did but rather by what CHRIST did for you on the cross!!!

Some might ask, “why in the world would you talk about something that sensitive on a Sunday?”  Two reasons…

#1 – THE BIBLE talks about it…A LOT!  And…

#2 – We live in a society consumed by it!

I could take this blog article to review Sunday’s message…but you can watch or listen to it on your own if you want…what I would love to do is simply offer one piece of advice that, if applied, will make your single life more focused, your marriage greater and your sex life within marriage something that is enjoyable.

Here it is…

STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!

I know…simple…and probably not what you wanted to hear…but it’s true, when you make it about you then you are the object of your worship…and that always goes bad, always!

If you are single then STOP telling God you are single (HE KNOWS)…embrace this season, ask the Lord to grow you and show you the areas where you need to be a better follower of Him…and for Him to prepare you for your future mate.  (Seriously…if God were to give you to your future mate right now would they say, “thank you Jesus” OR “why me Lord?”)

If you are married then STOP trying to point out all of the flaws and fallacies in your spouse and instead ask the Lord to reveal what is wrong in YOU so that YOU can make the changes YOU need to make.  Any fool can point out what they think is wrong with someone else…it takes a real man and/or real woman to come face to face with their own shortcomings and wrestle through them.

Asking the Lord to refine and shape you as a single WILL make you a better spouse.

Asking the Lord to refine and shape you (instead of telling Him about all that is wrong with your spouse) will make you a better husband/wife.

And when that happens the intimacy level in a marriage can exceed expectations!

Simple thought…hard to apply…but SO worth it.

For Further Reading Check Out The Following…

• 10 Reasons I Think Your Marriage Is Going To Make It!
• 10 Reasons I Should NOT Be Dating Him/Her!
• 18 Myths Singles Believe
• And Article EVERY SINGLE PERSON Should Read
• What A Wife Should NEVER Do!
• What A Husband Needs To Understand About His Wife
• Four Reasons Marriages Are Falling Apart – Part One & Part Two

Can’t wait for Sunday…we’ll be talking about Part Two of, “Sex In The Church!”

#2 – Because you are willing to stop pointing out all of the problems your spouse has and begin to beg God to reveal your shortcomings to you so that you can focus on the changes you need to make.  (I will focus on my responsibilities and not my “rights!”)

#3 – Because you will stop investing tons of time in Facebook and reruns of movies you have already seen and actually begin talking to your spouse again, you know…like you did when you were dating.

#4 – Because you will listen to what the LORD says about marriage instead of listening to singles who are bitter and/or people who can’t seem to stay out of someone else’s bed!

#5 – Because Galatians 6:9 packs a promise that is worth holding on to!

#6 – Because you understand that two people who are willing to love Jesus first and then one another can overcome any problem or trial that comes their way!

#7 – Because you are going to commit to spending quality time together and actually date one another at least once a week…WITHOUT the kids or the cell phone.

#8 – Because you are going to continually practice forgiveness towards your spouse in regards to the way they have hurt you in the past.  (If someone is unwilling to forgive a spouse for a sin or sins that have been confessed and repented of they can ultimately destroy a marriage.)

#9 – Because you are going to make attending and being involved in a local church a priority!

#10 – Because your kids need to see a godly example of what marriage looks like so that they have something to look forward to.

#2 – If they are trying to get me to compromise with what God’s Word says so clearly.  (If they lead you away from God’s Word before marriage, they will do so even more after marriage…the way they have lived in their past and the way they are living now are indicators of how they are going to live when they marry you.  You cannot change them…you are NOT the Holy Spirit!)

#3 – If you are always defending him/her to the people who know me, love me and love Jesus.  (Love is blind…and many times you cannot see the blind spots that others can see so clearly.)

#4 – If you find yourself not wanting to talk about him/her in front of the people in your life that you know may disapprove of the relationship for some reason.  (Because…when this happens you are choosing to ignore what the Lord could be trying to make obvious through others because you are too involved emotionally to make a rational decision.)

#5 – If you know the relationship isn’t really going anywhere…but you don’t want to “break up” because doing so would cause you to be insecure, because you have allowed yourself to be identified by who you are dating rather than who you are in Christ.

#6 – You find out that they are lying to you.  If they lie to you before you are married, then they will lie to you in marriage.

#7 – If you cannot confront them about issues without them losing their temper.

#8 – If you discover that they are unfaithful to you.

#9 – If something about them absolutely drives you insane…but you convince yourself that after you get married “that problem” will go away.  (Actually…it won’t, it will get larger!)

#10 – If the Lord has specifically spoken to you and instructed you to end the relationship but you can’t/won’t because you either “don’t want to hurt them” or you fear that if you end this relationship then you won’t have another chance at one.

Eight OTHER Articles For Singles

• 18 Myths Singles Believe
• An Article EVERY Single Person Should Read!
• Top Five Temptations Single People Face When Considering a Relationship
• I/We Should Break Up Because…
• Six Signs Your Dating Relationship Is In Trouble
• Shane Duffey’s Advice For Single People!
• How To Be Pursued By A Guy
• How To Pursue A Young Lady

So…today I wanted to challenge the men with the one thing I think you need to know about your wife (or the one thing most wives would say to their husband.)

BE WITH ME!

Too many men today make the assumption that they can work 12 hours a day, spend all of their spare time playing golf and/or pursuing their favorite hobby and sit and watch the same episode of Sports Center for hours and hours and their wife is ok with it because he happens to bring home the paycheck.

I’ve had talks with men about this misconception before and they tell me one of two things…

#1 – I will slow down one day!  This is a lie…even if the man fully believes it.  AND, if “one day” ever does arrive it will be a day full of regrets because the husband/father chose to pursue money and position and, as a result, had his own family become strangers that he tried to spend a week out of every year with.

Yes, we should work hard…but working hard and being insane are two separate things.  We are called to provide for our family…but not to sacrifice them.

#2 – My wife loves me, I know I’m not around a lot…but she would never divorce/leave me.

DUDE, if having your wife “not leave you” is the only goal you have for your marriage then you officially suck as a husband.

Our goal as men should not be to “barely hold on to her,” but rather to love her like Christ loves the church (He gives His church TIME), to talk to her with gentle words (see I Peter 3:7), to be patient with her, to strive to be understanding towards her and to serve her well…and this cannot be done if we are always at work, always with “the boys’ or always asking her to please talk to us only during the commercials.

She wants you there…with her!  (Unless she’s a gold digger…then she’s happy with your presents and not your presence!)

She wants you to listen to her (and…by the way…she’s detailed!)

She wants your undivided attention…which means you have to purposefully set aside time with her and without your cell phone and/or computer.

AND…her wanting/expecting that from you ISN’T irrational.  You are HER HUSBAND!  You cannot delegate that calling/responsibility.

She wants time with you.

So…how are you doing?  (Ask her!)

Today I wanted to share seven things a pastor (or any husband) should understand about your wife…

#1 – Your wife is not your servant…and God’s #1 call on her life is NOT for her to be impressed with you.  When you expect her to be impressed with you the way for an affair has been prepared because your biggest desire is to have your ego stroked and not to be the man God has called you to be…one who is unselfish and loves His wife like Christ loves the church.

#2 – Your wife should be as involved in ministry as she feels called to be.  She should NEVER be pressured by you to attend things or do things “just because she’s your wife.”  Doing so MAY fill a gap in the ministry…but it will cause her to begin to despise the church.

#3 – You should never ignore your wife because “church work is so demanding.”  Sure, the church will sing your praises as you pretend to be a spiritual Superman and meet their needs; however, as a friend once told me…remember that those who deify will also crucify!  They sang “Hosanna” on the first day of the week in regards to Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem…and “crucify Him” before the week was done!  Your wife is your FIRST ministry opportunity!

#4 – Your wife needs your undivided attention…OFTEN!  That means date night without your phone…and time on the couch WITH you and WITHOUT your computer open.

#5 – To have your church love you and your wife and children despise you is NOT success in ministry.

#6 – Your wife should be valued, pursued and treasured way more than your attendance and offering reports!

#7 – A vacation at least twice a year when you and your wife get away, just the two of you (this means NO KIDS)…even if it just for a couple of nights is one of the greatest things you can do for your marriage.

#3 – Refusal To Change

A person who is absolutely convinced that they have nothing at all to change in their marriage is a person who is obsessed with making their marriage fail.

I am not the same person I am when Lucretia and I first got married in 2000.  He has had to do a work in me (and currently still IS!)

A quick word to singles, WHEN you marry someone you need to understand that you are marrying them “as is,” and that change is NOT guaranteed.  (I’ve seen SO many marriages go bad because someone, usually the female, compromised core convictions because she was absolutely convinced she could “change him.”)  Seriously, you need to be ready to spend the rest of your life with them they way they are…and if you are not then DON’T GET MARRIED.

However, in this point I am not talking about their refusal to change.  You can’t do anything about that…I am taking about your refusal to change, to not deal with the issues the Lord is making so obvious to you either because of pride, fear or insecurity.

I am not the man I need to be when it comes to being Lucretia’s husband…but thank God I am not the man I was when I married her.  He has (and is) changing me, it hasn’t been easy…but submitting to the work He wants to do in me has definitely made me a better husband.

#4 – Refusal To Learn

Marriage is something that you think you know a lot about…until you actually get married and many of the previous theories you held near and dear to your head go flying out the window.

Anytime one sinner marries another sinner…there will be “issues!”  (And PLEASE don’t tell me how it could not work out because you are so “different!”  OF COURSE you are different…one of you is male and the other is female…the last time I checked that is pretty much different!)

We can’t STOP learning when we get married; in fact, when we say “I do” we are saying I do to a learning process that will take place until the time we see Jesus.  We’ve got to be learners if we want our marriages to succeed.

AND…I’m not talking about learning in regards to what pop psychology says about marriage.  What does God’s Word say about it?  After all, He is THE ONE who made mankind aware of HIS IDEA to begin with!  (BTW…here is the link to our series we did back in the fall called Man versus Wife if you are looking for some practical, biblical teaching.)

AND, not only do we need to be students of the Word…we also need to be students of our spouse.  One of the reasons marriages are in so much trouble is because men can rattle off sports statistics like nobody’s business and women can tell you about the latest Hollywood gossip but then neither one can tell you three things that their spouse would say significantly impacted them as a child, or what their spouse wanted to be when they grew up or even what their spouse fears the most.

When a couple is committed to learning about one another then it becomes very difficult to get bored with each other!!!

Marriage is God’s idea…it CAN and SHOULD work, we should THRIVE in marriage, not just merely survive it.  And…we can when we ask for help, deal with our own “junk,” change what needs to be changed and become students of God’s institution of marriage.

BTW…THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I’VE EVER READ on the subject of marriage…EVER!