Archive for Relationships
How To Make Sure You Destroy Your Marriage With An Affair! July 29, 2010
#1 – Take absolutely ZERO responsibility for the current condition of your marriage. Blame everything on your spouse and make sure that you tell only the side of the story to your friends that makes you look good so that they will side with you.
#2 – Speaking of your friends…make sure to surround yourself with people who tell you what you WANT to hear rather than what you NEED to hear. And if someone calls you out then you’ve GOT to accuse them of turning their back on you!
#3 – Think about having the affair A LOT…think about the other person all of the time and how much fun it would be to be with them. AND make sure not to EVER confess to your friends that you are struggling in your thought life…completely ignore II Corinthians 10:5!
#4 – Make sure you know all of the verse in the Bible that talk about the grace of God…but also to make sure to completely ignore the ones that command you to repent.
#5 – You’ve GOT to believe that you will be the exception, that there will be zero consequences, that your reputation will not be harmed, that your children will not be impacted and that God’s Kingdom will not receive another black eye.
#6 – Drop hints and flirt with the intended target of your affair…you must put all of your energy in pursuing the other person instead of trying as hard as you can to reconcile and make things right with your spouse. AND dismiss online flirting and provocative talk as “innocent” and “harmless!”
#7 – Believe the lie that when you get with “that other person” that life will be everything that you hoped it would be…that they will always be perfect and obey your every word and command. The grass may indeed be greener on the other side…but only because it happens to be over the septic tank!
10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage In Ten Years–Part Two April 14, 2010
Here are lessons 6-10 following up with yesterday’s post…
#6 – The Purpose Of Conflict Is To SETTLE The Argument…Not Win It!
Lucretia called me out on this one night when I was getting my rear end whipped during a disagreement we were having. So…in a desperate move I began to change the subject, to bring up things that had NOTHING to do with what we were discussing. I was doing it to try to get out of the hole I had dug for myself…and then she said she felt like I was trying to win instead of really caring about settling the conflict. BUSTED! Staying focused on an issue and trying to settle THAT issue isn’t just a good idea for marriage…it’s essential!
#7 – Don’t Ever Go To Bed Mad At One Another!
Unresolved conflict will KILL a marriage! (See Ephesians 4:25-26!) AND…it gives the enemy a foothold so that he can then climb all over a couple. There is NEVER a good reason for two people who love Jesus and love one another to not deal with an issue that is stealing intimacy away from that couple.
#8 – You Cannot Hold Your Spouse Accountable For Unspoken, Unrealistic Expectations!
Like it or not…your spouse cannot read your mind–period!
#9 – Intimacy Is Not Limited To A Sexual Experience!
AND…if you think it is then there is probably ZERO intimacy in your marriage. AND…you CAN have sex without having intimacy. BUT (guys…read this please) you can’t have intimacy without having sex!!! When a couple (specifically the man) will focus on creating a romantic environment rather than just getting her in bed, thus making her feel valuable, romantic and pursued…well…then…uh…DANG!
#10 – It Takes Work To Make It Work!
I hear couples say from time to time, “But Pastor P…marriage is SO HARD!” My response is always, “duh…and water’s SOOOO wet!” Yes it’s hard…if it were easy then 50% of all marriages would not be ending in divorce!!! If we want the most OUT of marriage then we’ve got to be willing to work IN the marriage and ON the marriage! EVERY couple that I know that has a successful marriage did not achieve that success by accident…it took intentional, focused and unselfish WORK to make it happen!!!
BTW…let me say this because my wife DOES read my blog. I said that I have learned these 10 lessons…BUT let me be VERY clear that I have NOT mastered them!!! I’m a work in progress…and am so thankful that I am married to a woman who understands that!
10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage In Ten Years…Part One April 13, 2010
Last week my amazing wife and I celebrated 10 years of marriage…and during that time I’ve learned A LOT! (AND still have SO MUCH more to learn!) Here are a few things…
#1 – Never “Talk Yourself Into Marrying A Person!” You had better KNOW!
When it came to marrying Lucretia it wasn’t something that I had to convince myself was the right thing to do…I knew she was the one for me. (And she would say the same thing!) If you go into the marriage with serious doubts then you will be tempted to sprint out of it at the first sign of trouble (and trouble WILL find you!) If you are trying to convince yourself that he/she is “right” for you then you may be on VERY dangerous ground! I know God has called me into this marriage and will fill me with the strength to sustain it…even during the tough times! (Philippians 1:6)
#2 – Marriage Is Not About What You Can Get…It’s About What You Can Give!
When a person enters marriage with a list of expectations that they want the other person to meet then there are going to be “issues!” We’ve got to view marriage NOT as an opportunity to be served…but rather to serve. Just think…how awesome would marriages be if each person did all that they could to try and outserve the other person!
#3 – To Expect Another Person To Meet All Of Your Needs Is Incredibly Selfish!
I HATE IT when a couple is having problems and I begin talking with them and then one person says, “Well…they just aren’t meeting my needs!” First of all…another person will NEVER meet all of our needs…EVER! And…second of all, the person who is usually doing the complaining probably doesn’t have a halo on…in other words, they probably aren’t “meeting the needs” of the other person! Many marriages fall apart not because of “irreconcilable differences” but rather unrepentant, selfish people!
#4 – Have Fun Together!
When couples date they have fun…when they get married it seems there is a sprint to become as “normal” as possible as soon as possible. Guess what–normal sucks! The LAST thing I want to be is a “normal married couple!”
#5 – “Quality Time” Does Not Mean “Let’s Have A Conversation During The Commercials!”
OUCH…this one has taken me longer to learn that I would like to admit. Unfortunately…men LOVE to get home and turn on the television, even if they aren’t watching it…we just are addicted to noise. AND…trying to talk to her AND watch it ISN’T romantic in her book (and “her book” is the ONLY one that should matter!) If a couple does not carve out intentional time for communication…it WON’T happen. This means there needs to be a lot less tv/twitter/facebook in a lot of peoples lives!
Seven Reasons Why Marriages Fail December 1, 2009
We finished up our singles series on Sunday…it lasted five weeks, but I felt like I could have taught for 15 more. I am so desperate to see the covenant of marriage taken seriously by the church and I pray that teenagers and 20 somethings will be the generation that really does begin to see as God sees when it comes to this issue.
I hate seeing marriages fall apart…it’s NEVER pretty…EVER. Today I wanted to share seven reasons why marriages fall apart…
#1 – The Couple Takes The Commitment Too Lightly – Whenever a couple enters into marriage thinking, “well, if this doesn’t work out then I will just…” there is a good shot that the marriage isn’t going to make it. We need to stop planning for our divorce before the ceremony actually takes place!!! When the vows take place…those aren’t words that should be taken lightly…but rather a promise before a Holy and Awesome God that should be prayed through and thought about…A LOT!
#2 – Compromise Is The Foundation – When a person feels like they are not getting God’s best…but convinces themselves that, with a little time, the other person can be shaped up…there’s trouble. Jesus leads us…but never to compromise. (BTW…if he/she is asking you to compromise before marriage…their pursuit PROBABLY isn’t Jesus but rather getting you out of your clothes!)
#3 – Unrealistic Expectations – I know people that once thought, “once I get married I will be happy!” And…they’re not happy! Too many couples go into marriage thinking that somehow the other person is going to fill a void that only JESUS could fill…this is dangerous! (BTW…ladies, “he” is not going to make you happy, if you aren’t happy now you are going to CRUSH him when he can’t fulfill your desire. And dude…”she” is NOT going to have sex with you all of the time…she’s a woman with a heart and a soul, not a sex toy that should be available at your desire!!!)
#4 – Bad Counsel – It’s sad…but in America today there are more people who will buy into what a talk show host who has never been married says about the subject than what the Scriptures say! OR…instead of seeking godly counsel when the marriage is in trouble they will surround themselves with people who will affirm their dysfunctional ideas rather than call them out. When we refuse to seek what Jesus says on an issue…it’s NOT going to go well.
#5 – Selfishness – Whenever a person believes the marriage is all about “getting my needs met,” it’s over!!! Marriage is NOT someone else’s service opportunity but rather OUR opportunity to serve our spouse.
#6 – Laziness – Couples date before marriage…and stop doing so soon after the ceremony! Marriage takes WORK! I am SO guilty of being lazy at times…giving my best at work and then coming home and expecting Lucretia to be content with the leftovers. SHE’S NOT! That is why DATING after marriage is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than dating before the marriage! If a man stops pursuing…and the woman stops responding…that spells trouble!!!
#7 – No Communication – It BLOWS MY MIND the couples that will talk ABOUT one another…but not TO one another. If a couple wants to see success in marriage then they MUST be willing to have serious, heart to heart conversations…even when it’s hard!!!
I/We Should Break Up Because… November 11, 2009
So…we’re in a singles series now (which, by the way, the married people are loving!) This past Sunday I challenged the guys…and this coming Sunday I will be speaking to the girls…and the following Sunday my wife Lucretia will be joining me on the stage for a live Q & A in every service.
One of the questions I often get by guys/girls is how do I know whether or not we should stay together or break up…so…let me throw a few things out there that I hope may be helpful…
I SHOULD BREAK UP WHEN/IF…
#1 – The other person (usually the guy) ceases to pursue me and make me feel special/valuable. (If he is a slacker before marriage…it will be HORRIBLE after marriage!)
#2 – If our relationship is based on sex. (If you are having sex then you are not experiencing true intimacy. SO…when you get married you are going to discover that you have nothing to talk about because you built your relationship with the hay and straw of sexual experiences and not the bricks of self control and discipline.)
#3 – If they are not fun then they’re not the one! (Seriously…if you do not enjoy being with him/her and/ore spending time with them before the marriage…why in the heck would you ever think that you will after marriage? Don’t marry someone that you don’t like–DUH!!!)
#4 – The Holy Spirit is pressing you to end the relationship. (There are SO many people I’ve spoken with that KNOW the Lord is pressing into them to end the dating relationship…but because of their insecurities they just won’t do it. If God is commanding you to give something up that means He has something greater in store. Even though you can’t see it…He can!!! I Corinthians 2:9)
#5 – You KNOW you aren’t going to marry the person you are dating. (Dating was not created to be some sort of hobby/sport. So…when you KNOW that the relationship is NOT heading beyond its current condition…you KNOW that he or she is NOT the person God has for you…END IT! Don’t date someone just so you won’t be alone…this situation ALWAYS goes bad because so many people get married “just because we thought it was the next step!”)
#6 – He/she is always flirting with other people…and/or he/she isn’t faithful to you before marriage. (If they AREN’T being faithful before marriage…they won’t be after marriage either!!!)
#7 – You think, “he/she isn’t who I want them to be…but I can change them.” (PLEASE READ THIS…YOU ARE NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE!!! God is the ONLY ONE who can change someone…and reality is the reason God may not be changing the person you are with is because you are in the way…and your compromise does not bring that person closer to Christ…it drives him/her away!)
Relationships October 21, 2009
I love to teach about relationships…here are some older posts I have done on this subject…
#1 – “Nice” Christan Boys And Girls Make Me Sick – it’s true!!!
#2 – Six Signs The Dating Relationship Is In Trouble!
#3 – Five Things A Single Dude Should Know! I love single dudes…praying that we continue to seemore godly men step up!!!
#4 – Seven Reasons Why Marriages Get Into Trouble! A good thing for couples to review together!!!
#5 - A TRUE LOVE STORY – this one WILL make you cry…amazing…a couple who said “I do” and meant it!!!
Are You A Slacker? September 21, 2009
Yesterday I spoke on husbands and wives slacking off in their marriages…so how do you know when a spouse is slacking off?
He’s Slacking Off When…
- What is special to her is no longer special to him – you didn’t have this attitude when you were dating, but once you married her you thought, “I don’t have to work now!” Wrong…you’ve got to work harder!
- You won’t pray with her or for her!
- You stop pursuing her romantically and sexually.
- You see her as your servant rather than your opportunity to serve.
- You want to use her for sex and don’t care if she truly feels connected romantically to you.
- You talk down to her and/or constantly raise your voice to her.
- You compare her to other women…in front of her.
- You are keeping secrets from her.
She’s Slacking Off When…
- You love talking about him (in your prayer gossip group) but have no desire to talk to him about the problem.
- You love it when he spends more time at work…that means you don’t have to be around him as much.
- You disrespect him out loud and often in front of your children.
- You know TONS about the lives of your kids…but are clueless about what is going on in his life.
- You withold sex to punish him and/or to get your way.
- You are keeping secrets from him.
And…in case you didn’t pick up the questions yesterday (or for those who were not there)…we handed out a card with five questions on it that we challenged husbands and wives to use as a guide to have a conversation with one another sometime in the next 24 hours…the questions were…
1) Have you ever had sex with someone other than me since we have been married?
2) Where have I become slack in my efforts to make you feel important?
3) Men ask your wife to complete this sentence: I think its romantic
when you_____.
4) Women ask your husband to complete this sentence:I feel the most
appreciated and respected when you________.
5)Are you engaging in anything online that you be ashamed of if I found out?