Archive for Relationships
Seven Reasons Why Marriages Fail December 1, 2009
We finished up our singles series on Sunday…it lasted five weeks, but I felt like I could have taught for 15 more. I am so desperate to see the covenant of marriage taken seriously by the church and I pray that teenagers and 20 somethings will be the generation that really does begin to see as God sees when it comes to this issue.
I hate seeing marriages fall apart…it’s NEVER pretty…EVER. Today I wanted to share seven reasons why marriages fall apart…
#1 – The Couple Takes The Commitment Too Lightly – Whenever a couple enters into marriage thinking, “well, if this doesn’t work out then I will just…” there is a good shot that the marriage isn’t going to make it. We need to stop planning for our divorce before the ceremony actually takes place!!! When the vows take place…those aren’t words that should be taken lightly…but rather a promise before a Holy and Awesome God that should be prayed through and thought about…A LOT!
#2 – Compromise Is The Foundation – When a person feels like they are not getting God’s best…but convinces themselves that, with a little time, the other person can be shaped up…there’s trouble. Jesus leads us…but never to compromise. (BTW…if he/she is asking you to compromise before marriage…their pursuit PROBABLY isn’t Jesus but rather getting you out of your clothes!)
#3 – Unrealistic Expectations – I know people that once thought, “once I get married I will be happy!” And…they’re not happy! Too many couples go into marriage thinking that somehow the other person is going to fill a void that only JESUS could fill…this is dangerous! (BTW…ladies, “he” is not going to make you happy, if you aren’t happy now you are going to CRUSH him when he can’t fulfill your desire. And dude…”she” is NOT going to have sex with you all of the time…she’s a woman with a heart and a soul, not a sex toy that should be available at your desire!!!)
#4 – Bad Counsel – It’s sad…but in America today there are more people who will buy into what a talk show host who has never been married says about the subject than what the Scriptures say! OR…instead of seeking godly counsel when the marriage is in trouble they will surround themselves with people who will affirm their dysfunctional ideas rather than call them out. When we refuse to seek what Jesus says on an issue…it’s NOT going to go well.
#5 – Selfishness – Whenever a person believes the marriage is all about “getting my needs met,” it’s over!!! Marriage is NOT someone else’s service opportunity but rather OUR opportunity to serve our spouse.
#6 – Laziness – Couples date before marriage…and stop doing so soon after the ceremony! Marriage takes WORK! I am SO guilty of being lazy at times…giving my best at work and then coming home and expecting Lucretia to be content with the leftovers. SHE’S NOT! That is why DATING after marriage is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than dating before the marriage! If a man stops pursuing…and the woman stops responding…that spells trouble!!!
#7 – No Communication – It BLOWS MY MIND the couples that will talk ABOUT one another…but not TO one another. If a couple wants to see success in marriage then they MUST be willing to have serious, heart to heart conversations…even when it’s hard!!!
I/We Should Break Up Because… November 11, 2009
So…we’re in a singles series now (which, by the way, the married people are loving!) This past Sunday I challenged the guys…and this coming Sunday I will be speaking to the girls…and the following Sunday my wife Lucretia will be joining me on the stage for a live Q & A in every service.
One of the questions I often get by guys/girls is how do I know whether or not we should stay together or break up…so…let me throw a few things out there that I hope may be helpful…
I SHOULD BREAK UP WHEN/IF…
#1 – The other person (usually the guy) ceases to pursue me and make me feel special/valuable. (If he is a slacker before marriage…it will be HORRIBLE after marriage!)
#2 – If our relationship is based on sex. (If you are having sex then you are not experiencing true intimacy. SO…when you get married you are going to discover that you have nothing to talk about because you built your relationship with the hay and straw of sexual experiences and not the bricks of self control and discipline.)
#3 – If they are not fun then they’re not the one! (Seriously…if you do not enjoy being with him/her and/ore spending time with them before the marriage…why in the heck would you ever think that you will after marriage? Don’t marry someone that you don’t like–DUH!!!)
#4 – The Holy Spirit is pressing you to end the relationship. (There are SO many people I’ve spoken with that KNOW the Lord is pressing into them to end the dating relationship…but because of their insecurities they just won’t do it. If God is commanding you to give something up that means He has something greater in store. Even though you can’t see it…He can!!! I Corinthians 2:9)
#5 – You KNOW you aren’t going to marry the person you are dating. (Dating was not created to be some sort of hobby/sport. So…when you KNOW that the relationship is NOT heading beyond its current condition…you KNOW that he or she is NOT the person God has for you…END IT! Don’t date someone just so you won’t be alone…this situation ALWAYS goes bad because so many people get married “just because we thought it was the next step!”)
#6 – He/she is always flirting with other people…and/or he/she isn’t faithful to you before marriage. (If they AREN’T being faithful before marriage…they won’t be after marriage either!!!)
#7 – You think, “he/she isn’t who I want them to be…but I can change them.” (PLEASE READ THIS…YOU ARE NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE!!! God is the ONLY ONE who can change someone…and reality is the reason God may not be changing the person you are with is because you are in the way…and your compromise does not bring that person closer to Christ…it drives him/her away!)
Relationships October 21, 2009
I love to teach about relationships…here are some older posts I have done on this subject…
#1 – “Nice” Christan Boys And Girls Make Me Sick – it’s true!!!
#2 – Six Signs The Dating Relationship Is In Trouble!
#3 – Five Things A Single Dude Should Know! I love single dudes…praying that we continue to seemore godly men step up!!!
#4 – Seven Reasons Why Marriages Get Into Trouble! A good thing for couples to review together!!!
#5 - A TRUE LOVE STORY – this one WILL make you cry…amazing…a couple who said “I do” and meant it!!!
Are You A Slacker? September 21, 2009
Yesterday I spoke on husbands and wives slacking off in their marriages…so how do you know when a spouse is slacking off?
He’s Slacking Off When…
- What is special to her is no longer special to him – you didn’t have this attitude when you were dating, but once you married her you thought, “I don’t have to work now!” Wrong…you’ve got to work harder!
- You won’t pray with her or for her!
- You stop pursuing her romantically and sexually.
- You see her as your servant rather than your opportunity to serve.
- You want to use her for sex and don’t care if she truly feels connected romantically to you.
- You talk down to her and/or constantly raise your voice to her.
- You compare her to other women…in front of her.
- You are keeping secrets from her.
She’s Slacking Off When…
- You love talking about him (in your prayer gossip group) but have no desire to talk to him about the problem.
- You love it when he spends more time at work…that means you don’t have to be around him as much.
- You disrespect him out loud and often in front of your children.
- You know TONS about the lives of your kids…but are clueless about what is going on in his life.
- You withold sex to punish him and/or to get your way.
- You are keeping secrets from him.
And…in case you didn’t pick up the questions yesterday (or for those who were not there)…we handed out a card with five questions on it that we challenged husbands and wives to use as a guide to have a conversation with one another sometime in the next 24 hours…the questions were…
1) Have you ever had sex with someone other than me since we have been married?
2) Where have I become slack in my efforts to make you feel important?
3) Men ask your wife to complete this sentence: I think its romantic
when you_____.
4) Women ask your husband to complete this sentence:I feel the most
appreciated and respected when you________.
5)Are you engaging in anything online that you be ashamed of if I found out?
15 Ways To Destroy Your Marriage September 18, 2009
#1 – Have an affair! (II Samuel 11-12)
#2 – Refuse to run from tempting situations! (Genesis 39:1-12, I Corinthians 6:18)
#3 – Look at LOTS of porn! (Job 31:1)
#4 – Connect with “old flames” through online social networking and then convince yourself it is ok because you aren’t actually doing anything wrong!
#5 – Refuse to talk to your spouse about issues that make you angry…just bury them and let a huge pile build up so that you can explode irrationally on them when they totally do not expect it. (Ephesians 4:25-27)
#6 – Have an affair!!!
#7 – Make sure you spend lots of person time with the same person of the opposite sex that you are not married to…and when confronted on it say, “It’s business.”
#8 – Make “innocent” remarks to an attractive person of the opposite sex such as, “I wish I had met you before I had gotten married.”
#9 – Put an ad for yourself on an internet dating site…even though you are married…just to see what type of interest you could create!
#10 – Compare your spouse with other people OFTEN and convince yourself that you didn’t get God’s best when you agreed to marry him/her.
#11 – Have an affair!!!
#12 – Take your cues about sexual morality from Hollywood and your “friends” rather than God’s Word. (John 14:15)
#13 – Begin to believe that your spouse’s main mission on this planet should be to meet your needs…and when they don’t then justify trying to get your needs met elsewhere.
#14 – Fantasize often as to what it would be like to be with another person other than your spouse.
#15 – Be willing to sell out years of marriage, the respect of your children and your character for an orgasm.
Like I said…we will be dealing with this on Sunday…because I am SICK AND TIRED of seeing marriages being destroyed and the church remaining silent about it.
Sunday’s message is not going to be for the faint of heart…but I believe that Jesus is going to use it to save marriages (and future marriage for you singles) from A LOT OF PAIN and FRUSTRATION!
See you on Sunday!
How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part Four August 28, 2009
Final post…
#6 – Stop Looking At Other Houses!
The thing a lot of people do when they begin to build a house is look at other houses and covet things about that house instead of being thankful for the one they have.
The same is true with pastors…the reason so many are falling is they are buying satans lie that “the grass is greener on the other side,” not realize that the only reason that is so is because that grass is over the septic tank.
Job 31:1…dude, memorize it, get it tattooed on your face, do whatever you need to do…but STOP looking at other women and thinking, “I did everything wrong with my wife…but if I could start over with her then things would be awesome.”
Not true…if you started over with her you would still be the weak, pathetic wus that you are right now…the one who would run when the heat gets turned up, the one who would care more about your feelings than the wake of destruction you would leave, the one who would refuse to repent and then uses God’s grace as an excuse to continue to sin.
Bottom line…if you run from this marriage you will run from the one you think will be awesome!!! Stop LOOKING and “your dream house” and make the one you’ve got right now YOUR DREAM HOUSE!!!
The dude who was consumed with sex and himself was never used by God to do great things…ever!
One more thing…
Some pastors might not be about to have an affair or jump out of their marriage…but you are addicted to porn. Dude…it’s sin, you know it…and you need to get help because it WILL destroy your marriage. Trust me…as a former porn addict I know the damage it will cause. You’ve GOT to stop looking at other men’s daughters like that…and, if you need help, get help.
Final Thoughts…
I know I came across as strong in some of these posts…I meant to. Because, in the end, I have a heart for pastors…and I want to see more, not less, cross the finish line and be able to say, “I have fought the good fight…I have kept the faith.”
It’s NEVER been easy to give up on marriage that it is right now…and that’s why I am calling on ALL pastors and church leaders to do whatever we can to make sure our marriages are healthy.
No one wants to see another ministry destroyed because the pastor could not keep it in his pants!!! AND…if we are going to call the men in our churches to high standards of integrity then we’ve GOT to lead the way.
How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part Three August 27, 2009
#4 – Work
When the builders show up next door they don’t just walk in the house and lay down and begin to pray that the work will get done…they walk onto the property ready to work.
Unfortunately the reason so many pastors marriages go bad is that they are willing to pray for their marriage…but unwilling to roll up their sleeves and actually work on it.
Like I have alluded to before…pastors know how to work on the Bride of Christ…they just don’t know how to work on the bride the Lord has given them…and that needs to be repented of!
Guys…what matters to your wife? What does she consider to be romantic? What does she consider to be fun?
The bottom line is this…in my marriage Lucretia defines success for me—that’s it! She is the one who lets me know if I am being successful as a husband…or if I am being slack.
And pastor—YOUR marriage WILL TAKE WORK. We can’t complain about how bad our marriage is if we haven’t given our best effort.
So…ask yourself that question…are you giving your marriage the very best you’ve got…or are you giving your wife leftovers and expecting her to give you a feast?
#5 – Invite others to help
The house next door has a leader who heads up the project…but he isn’t going at it alone. If one dude tried to build the house it would take FOREVER to get it done…and maybe he might not ever finish it because there are just some things that a man can’t do alone.
One of a man’s BIGGEST sins (including pastors) is the issue of PRIDE! We HATE admitting we’re in over our heads. We HATE saying that there is a problem that we just can’t handle…but reality is…God didn’t intend for us to do life alone.
How exactly does this apply to marriage? Simple…two ways…
The first is…if you are struggling in your marriage…ASK FOR HELP! I don’t care if you are the freakin pastor…GET HELP NOW! James 5:16 tells us to confess sin to one another and pray for one another. Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us we need others in our lives to SPUR and ENCOURAGE us!
Dude…there is TOO MUCH AT STAKE to let your pride get in the way of you getting help. Don’t allow your stupidity to shipwreck the faith of so many people.
Let me say it again…if you need help…ASK FOR IT! The only reason a person in the body of Christ EVER has to drown is because they don’t have the courage to ask for a life preserver!
The second is…spend time with people who have an awesome marriage. Take them out to dinner and ask them a lot of questions. It’s amazing what we can learn from others who have gone before us.
The third is…(I know I said two)…read as much as you can about marriage. Many of us have recommended lots of books to others…but have you actually read them and followed the advice yourself?
We NEED each other…unfortunately, LOTS of pastors have buddies—very few actually have friends, which makes this hard. We should seek to establish deep friendships and be willing to be transparent with those closest to us…like I said, we can’t make it on our own.