A Divine Slap In The Face (Breaking An Online Addiction!) December 7, 2011

CONFESSION:  This article is more of a confession that it is a correction!  It’s not about what I see others doing/not doing but rather something I have realized for myself and am currently wrestling through, hope this helps some people!

It was one of the most divine slaps in the face I had ever received; in fact, I’m still recovering from it, let me explain…

A little over a month ago I was with a group of about ten people or so in a restaurant where we had gathered to celebrate and reflect on the end of a pretty intense season of ministry we had just completed.  We had seen God do some amazing things and had more than enough reasons to be excited about the evening.

We got our menus, spoke with each other about the options in front of us and then chatted about what we preferred and then placed our order with the waiter.

After the waiter was gone I pulled out my cell phone.  Please understand, no one had texted me.  No one had called me.  I did not have any voice messages from earlier in the day.  Why did I pull out my cell phone then?  Simple…I needed to check Twitter.

As I did this something told me to stop and listen…and when I did I heard no conversations taking place at the table.  No laughing.  No celebration.  No recalling what the Lord had done.  Then I looked up and discovered why…

EVERY SINGLE PERSON AT THE TABLE WAS LOOKING DOWN AT THEIR CELL PHONE!

Doing what, I have no idea…probably twitter, facebook or whatever…but what stood out to me in a very convicting way was that ALL of us were neglecting being connected with the people who were right in front of us and were engaging in something else that, for some reason we all considered to be more important.

I was convicted!  BIG TIME!  Here I was with a group of friends that I should be enjoying life with and instead I was obsessed with an online perception that I somehow felt was more important than the relationships that were right in front of me.

Thought began to flood my mind of other times I had done the same…

• The times I had been on the couch with Lucretia, and instead of engaging her in conversation I am seeing how many people retweeted me.
• The times that Charisse had been trying to get my attention and instead I was trying to see how many “likes” that NewSpring’s facebook page had.
• The times that I had been in a room FULL of people and opportunities to engage in conversations that mattered, but instead I was more obsessed with clearing another level of Angry Birds.

Like I said, it was a divine slap in the face and I realized that I was neglecting real community, real people who were right in front of me and instead engaging in relationships online that were superficial at best and achieving “high scores” on games that had absolutely zero significant value.

Honestly, if I found out today that I had 30 days to live my obsessions would not become how many twitter followers I could gain, how many times I could dominate “words with friends” or even having to check who had written on my facebook wall in the past 15 minutes.  It would be people, REAL people and REAL relationships that would be important to me.

Please do not misunderstand this!  I am NOT the anti-social media guy!  I love keeping up with people via the world wide web.  I love playing a game or two on occasion.  I love the fact that I know a lot about my friends all over the world because they update their lives via social media.

However, I finally came to realize that I had personally allowed social media to become an obsession that was distracting me from what was really important rather than a tool that I could make use of.  I had allowed it to steal time away from my family and my friends…and call it what you will, but I had to call it sin.

What am I doing about it?

FIGHTING through it!  I believe social media CAN be as addicting as alcohol, drugs or gambling.  It meets a perceived need of inclusion, acceptance and friendship (you DO understand that most of your facebook friends are not actually your friends don’t you?)

• I’m having to FIGHT to make the decision that at dinner time the cell phone does not come with me to the dinner table.  That is my time with my family…and any “emergency” will just have to wait!
• I’m having to FIGHT through the “need” to check up on twitter when I am in a group of people with whom the Lord has put me in a live, active relationship with.
• I’m having to FIGHT to not play games on my phone or Ipad when I’m in a room full of people with whom I need to be paying attention to.
• I’m having to FIGHT to not be engaged with an online audience at night when opportunities to engage with my wife and daughter are way more important and way more fruitful in the long run.
• I’m having to FIGHT to not take my phone with me into important meetings and carry on texting conversations that cause me to disconnect from what I should be paying attention to!

It’s a fight…and just something I’m learning and wrestling with.  I will still be blogging, still be tweeting…but for me it’s going to have to be put in it’s proper place.  Because…I’ve also seen that an addiction to social media can take our eyes off of Jesus and put them on people, thus causing us to cave into the fear of man and completely forget that we are called to fear God.

And…many times we can’t even obey what the Lord says in Psalm 46:10 because we are so dang connected!!!  We can’t respond to the voice of God because we’ve been trained like Pavlov’s dog that when we hear “the tuning fork” (aka. notification from our phone that we have a text/email) that we feel the need to immediately respond, thus ignoring what is right in front of us.

One more time let me say it again–I’m NOT against social media, smart phones, games and such…but they should be used wisely and be a tool in our hands rather than the obsession of our day that we just can’t seem to do without.

When Someone Dies! (Six Things To Keep In Mind!) October 19, 2011

Disclaimer:  Before you read the following I want to say very clearly and unapologetically that I do not care if you are offended.  I have to say that because, especially in America, we feel that we have some sort of constitutional right to never be offended.  I am writing about death…a subject some deal with really well and then others never seem to get over.  Please understand I have experienced death in ways I never wished I would have experienced them, losing my mother when I was 12, my father just a few months ago and countless numbers of friends and family members.  What you will read in the following blog article are the things that I would strongly advise you NOT to do when someone you know dies.)

People, all people, including you are going to die.

It’s a fact…and, it’s not meant to scare you; after all, there are far worse things than death (such as when people put raspberry sauce on the chocolate dessert that I ordered.)

And, I would say from personal experience that one of the worse things about people you love and are close to dying are the comments and behaviors of those who show up after the death of your loved one.

So…the following is a guide of things I would STRONGLY suggest you NOT do…EVER, these things are NEVER a good idea!!!  (AND…if you have done these things in the past…it’s ok, you didn’t know better…but now you have no excuse!)

#1 – Do NOT Stand Beside The Open Coffin And, While Looking At The Dead Body Of The Deceased Person Make The Comment, “They Look So Natural!”

This is dumb!  People who do this should be drawn and quartered on the spot.

This first hit me when I was 12 and standing beside the coffin of my mother while countless people filed by to offer their condolences.  I can not tell you how many people made this ridiculous comment to me.

STOP ARGUING…it’s RIDICULOUS!  As a 12 year old I can literally remember thinking, “She (my mother) doesn’t look natural…she looks dead!  I’ve known her for 12 years and she’s NEVER looked like that!  She has numerous chemicals in her body and her jaw is most likely wired shut so that it doesn’t just randomly fly open and all of us wind up peeing our pants!”

The person DOES NOT look natural!!!  STOP IT!

#2 – Do NOT Resort To Classic Christian Clichés Because You Are Nervous And Do Not Know What To Say.

Let me be very honest, when someone you know loses someone near to them one of the best things you can do is BE THERE with them and for them…but in doing so PLEASE resist the urge to offer theological explanations as to why the death happened OR say really ridiculous things such as, “Well, I guess God must have needed another rose for His garden!”  (BTW – that phrase is one of the dumbest things a human being could ever utter out of their mouth!)

I know ALL of us have felt the tension to try to offer explanations as to why what is happening is happening; however, and TRUST ME when I say this…people need your presence during this time…not your presentation of what the Bible says about death.  There WILL be time for that…and if they ask then by all means talk to them.  AND please, they’ve heard EVERY well meaning Christian quote Romans 8:28 to them…BELIEVE ME, they don’t really want to hear it 100 more times!

MOST of the time people should just resist the urge to talk during this time period!!

#3 – Do NOT Walk Up To Them After The Funeral, Tell Them If They Need You To Call You & Then Walk Away And Never Follow Up With Them.

When someone dies the family and close friends experience a whirlwind of emotions and the decisions that have to be made come at them fast and furious.  For about 24-48 hours they are an emotional roller coaster.

And then the visitation and then the funeral…everyone is there and the crowds seem to be endless.

Then the funeral is over and everyone goes home.

I am speaking from personal experience…one of the loneliest times in my life is when my dad and I went home after my moms funeral and no one was there.  And, literally for three days no one called or came by.  Everyone said to call them…but people who are grieving will rarely do so because they are trying to wrestle through intense emotions.

I often tell people that if someone you know experiences the death of a loved one…the time after the funeral and for two to three weeks after are CRUCIAL in regards to follow up, encouragement and just the presence of a friend.

#4 – Do NOT Send Flowers

I don’t know who came up with this idea…but it ranks up there with the worse ideas of all times!

Folks…don’t get mad…stay with me!!!

You send them flowers and then what do the flowers do?

ANSWER:  THEY DIE!!! Slowly, over time they get to watch the flowers that were sent to them to remind them of their loved one DIE…does ANYONE see a problem here?!?!?!

(And PLEASE don’t tell me that they could take care of the flowers…do you REALLY think that is what they want, something to take care of?)

I remember being at my moms funeral and seeing one of the most horrifying floral arrangements EVER!  It was a bunch of flowers all put together with a play telephone on the top of the arrangement with a sign next to it that said, “Jesus called!”

AHHHHH!  It freaked me out…it still does!  I was 12 years old and never wanted to answer the freakin phone again for fear that it might be Jesus!!!

I know it’s something people do…and people mean well, I’m just saying there are probably better things to send!

#5 – Do NOT, Upon Seeing Them EVERY TIME For The Next Month, Give Them Sad Eyes, Take Their Hand In Yours And Ask Them In A Really Soft Voice, “So, How Are You Doing…Really?”

Many times people cannot get past the death of someone they love because well meaning people keep bringing it up!!!

What they could use during those times is a smile, an invitation to dinner and even a hug.  If they want to talk about it…let them.  And, asking them one time isn’t a bad idea; however, if this is the question you are always asking them they will begin to avoid you!!!  (As they should!)

#6 – Allow Them To Grieve In Their Own Way

People grieve differently…and that is cool!

I grieved DEEPLY when my mother died; however, I often did it in private, alone, away from people…it’s just my thing.

Honestly, I am still grieving the loss of my father.  I miss him deeply!  There are days when I am overwhelmed with the feeling of loneliness as the fact that both of my parents are gone.

I have wept over the passing of my father and it hurts…but, I have done that, for the most part, in private…and it is getting easier to deal with as time passes.

So…don’t judge them if they do not grieve in the way that you do!  Let them grieve in the way that seems best to them.

AND…let me be VERY CLEAR for those who are grieving…there is a time to grieve, but then there is a time to move on.  Yes, they are dead…but YOU ARE ALIVE and you cannot allow their death to take the life out of you!!!

AND…one more thing, if you need an EXCELLENT RESOURCE in dealing with death, grief and such…PLEASE order this resource RIGHT NOW!!! I know the author personally and she’s AMAZING when it comes to dealing with death and grief!  (Pastors, this is an EXCELLENT RESOURCE to have on hand for people in your church!  TRUST ME!)

Five Things The Lord Is Teaching Me Through My Fathers Death August 3, 2011

#1 – Eternity is reality, everyone is going to die and spend eternity somewhere…and there is amazing peace when you know that someone you loved has been made new and is in the presence of Christ.  (Hebrews 9:27, James 4:13-17)

#2 – Everyone grieves differently…and grief is a very natural and perfectly acceptable thing for us as humans to feel.  However, as there is a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) I cannot allow the death of someone I love to rob me of the life that I have left.  I will always feel a deep sense of loss in regards to my dad…but grief is not a place for me to stay but rather a season I must go through…and there IS joy on the other side.  (Psalm 30:1-5)

#3 – Romans 8:28 is true…even when I don’t feel it.  As I’ve said before maturity in a believer is marked by when we choose to trust what God’s Word says rather than the way we feel.  Doing this isn’t always the easiest thing (as I’ve discovered the past several days)…but the FACTS of God’s Word are way more reliable than my FEELINGS!  This has been a struggle for me…but at the end of the day I know God is good, that He gives good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:7-11) and that He is near everyone when they hurt (Matthew 5:4).

(Knowing all of the theological answers does not remove the emotional pain…but it does help me to deal with it one step at a time!)

#4 – Relationships with other people should not be taken for granted.  I had no idea when I walked away from my dad on Saturday, July 23 that it would be the last time I saw him alive.  I told him that I loved him…that was the last words he heard out of my mouth and for that I am extremely grateful.  (As I recall those were the last words I spoke to my mother before her passing as well.)  We should NEVER assume that people know how we feel about them…and IF there is someone in your life, ESPECIALLY a parent, then you should do all that you can do to make that relationship right!  (You may need to stop reading right now and break off a phone call…life is too short to live with bitterness and regret!)

#5 – I am so thankful for an incredible wife and daughter, unbelievable friends and an amazing church.  This world will crush someone who tries to face it alone…and our core value of “I can’t do life alone” has never been more real to me that it has been this past week.

Control Is The Greatest Illusion In The Universe July 14, 2011

I’m a control freak…I like to be the one to drive, I like to have my say in the restaurant I go to and I don’t really like being “restricted” by speed limit signs!

However, one of the things that the Lord has been really pressing into me lately through His Word and a very godly counselor is that control is merely an illusion…it is amazing when we sit back and begin to understand how little control we actually have in the world.

• I did not control the day I was born!
• I did not control who my parents were!
• I did not control where I was born!
• I did not control the color of my skin, eyes and hair.
• I will not control when and where I step into eternity.
• I cannot control other drivers on the road.
• I cannot control what other people think about me.
• I cannot control my daughter’s future.  (I can try to direct it…but I can’t control it!)
• I cannot control the weather.
• I cannot control how fast (or slow) my food gets to me in a restaurant.
• I cannot control how fast (or slow) the person in front of me is driving.
• I cannot control whether or not someone I know and loves prays to receive Christ.
• I cannot control the fact that my body is breaking down (I heal/repair MUCH slower at 40 than I did at 20!)
• I cannot control God by my religious performance.

In fact, if I can control anything…then the very thing I can control is so small and insignificant that it would hardly register on the eternal scale in regards to things that actually matter.

However, I do not write this to discourage you…I write this because it is literally one of the most encouraging revelations I’ve ever received in my life.

Freedom, TRUE freedom, is understanding how out of control we are and then placing our faith in a God who has NEVER ceased to maintain control over what He has created.

God has the amazing ability to use all things for His glory and our good!  (I literally know no one else that can pull that one off!)

So…to everyone who feels like you are out of control…it’s because YOU ARE!!!  And, the more we try to control the more likely we are to live in complete rebellion to the one who is in control, who has all things in His hands and who constantly calls us to surrender to Him so that we can experience the joy of living under HIS Sovereignty rather than having to constantly discover that we have none of our own!

If there is an area of your life that is completely out of control…it is most likely the Lord trying to get your attention and get you to surrender control…because until He is in control we will be out of control.

Control is nothing more than an illusion…we have none, He has it all…and in His hand is THE BEST place to be!