Archive for Finishing Well
How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part One August 25, 2009
So yesterday I told you this series of posts was on the way…here we go…HOW do we build a marriage that will last?
#1 – We’ve Got To Have A Solid Foundation
The first thing they did when they began constructing the house next door is make sure the foundation was solid.
Jesus said in Matthew 7:24-27 that we should take the time to make sure the foundation is ROCK SOLID…because WHEN (not if) the rains come and we aren’t solid…the crash is going to be intense.
So…church leader, here’s the question for us today…how much time and effort are we putting into making sure than the foundation of our marriage is solid? It’s really sad when a church leader spends hours and hours developing a plan for a successful ministry…but won’t put a fraction of that time into developing a plan for a successful marriage. What is your plan for success in your marriage?
(BTW…if you marriage falls apart, your ministry will too…so it’s worth the effort!)
We’ve GOT to take the marriage covenant seriously!
One more thing…if you are single and in ministry the BEST WAY to prepare yourself for marriage is fall in love with Jesus and do EVERYTHING it takes to stay connected to Him. AND then don’t settle for ANYTHING less than someone else who does the same thing.
It is WAY better to remain single than to be with the wrong person!
#2 – Follow The Plan
I’ve driven by the house next door several times and have seen the guys actually stop building and gather around the plans to make sure they are getting things done right…that’s not a bad plan for our marriages either…are we building according to God’s plan…such as…
- Guys…are you being harsh with her when you speak? She’s your wife…NOT your staff member. (I Peter 3:7) AND…btw…you should not be harsh with your staff either!
- Ladies…is he feeling respected and admired by you? (Ephesians 5:33)
- Guys…are you serving her like Jesus served…or is your focus on being served? (Matthew 20:28)
- Ladies…are you reminding him of a torture device that won’t shut up? (Proverbs 27:15)
- Guys…are you making sure she is completely taken care of, OR are you neglecting her in order to make yourself look good? (Ephesians 5:25-27)
- Ladies…are you a crown or cancer? (Proverbs 12:4)
- Guys…are you aware of what a blessing she is? (Proverbs 31:10)
- Ladies…are you careful or careless in how you speak and how you spend? (Proverbs 19:14)
- BOTH OF YOU…are you taking care of one another sexually? (I Corinthians 7:3-5)
- Single dude…are you LOOKING for a wife or expecting to be found? (Proverbs 18:22)
I could go on and on…but the problem is so clear…to many church leaders are trying to teach God’s Word and not LIVE God’s Word. And…if this falls apart in our house then it is only a matter of time before it falls apart in God’s house!
Not Again!!! August 24, 2009
Two things hit me last week that have inspired this series of posts and rants…
The other morning I was lying in bed and listening to the workers build the house next door (they usually begin around 5:50!) :-) I began thinking through and praying about what it takes to build a house…and how those same principle’s apply to having a solid marriage…
THEN IT HAPPENED…and “it” pissed me off and broke my heart at the same time…
ANOTHER pastor had an affair on his wife, blew his marriage completely apart and left damage and destruction is his wake that impacted THOUSANDS of people. (I blogged about this at another point when I got angry with this post entitled, “Keep Your Penis In Your Pants.”)
I’m frustrated…because…it really does seem like this is happening more, not less. Heck, I don’t know…maybe it’s always been a problem. Maybe because of the internet and social media we are just now discovering something that has actually been around for quite a while.
Pastors–church leaders–we’ve GOT to take a stand against this. We cannot continue to pretend it isn’t happening…and we can’t think that we are immune to the temptation either. We’ve GOT to make INTEGRITY an issue in our ministry…because if we don’t MAKE IT an issue now…it WILL BE an issue in the future.
The stakes are high…and we need men of God who are not willing to trade in the anointing for an orgasm!
Yes, He does forgive. Yes, His grace covers our sins…but His grace DOES NOT cover our consequences!
So…beginning tomorrow I am going to do a series of posts on how I believe pastors/church leaders (HECK…ANYBODY) can literally affair proof their marriage.
AND…please don’t send me an email telling me that “I don’t understand your situation.” When it comes to pastors…I DO…we’ll get into that tomorrow.
The Pastors Pain October 30, 2007
One of the things I have been both complimented and criticized for is my willingness to be vulnerable and honest, so today’s post is going to be just that. Let me NOT begin with a funny story or illustration, but with the bottom line of this post, All pastors, whether they want to admit it or not, are carrying around with them intense amounts of pain…sometimes it’s more, and others it’s less–but it is always REAL.
(NewSpring–this is NOT some sort of message from me to you…this is a post where I feel incredibly led to minister to pastors who may be hurting! AND God has an amazing sense of humor–this article was actually written last Thursday, before the local “excitement” from this past weekend.)
I have a heart for pastors and so today I would just like to share the three areas that I believe cause the most pain in a pastors life.
#1 – Pain From Loneliness
I served on staff for nearly a decade at two other churches before starting NewSpring Church, and I can remember thinking about the pastors I served under, “I do just as much as they do, and I don’t think they deal with any more junk that I have to deal with.” I made those assumptions because I was arrogant, stupid and wrong. Trust me when I say that only a pastor can understand the pain of a pastor.
This hit me right between the eyes one night when I was describing to Lucretia the pain I happened to be dealing with at the time and she looked at me and said, “Perry, I love you–but I do not understand how you feel. I hurt for you and I will pray for you–and I wish I could understand, but I just can’t.” I remember thinking how incredibly lonely I felt at that moment because my wife couldn’t even understand.
Pastors, trust me when I say that you need another pastor to talk to, to vent with, to pour out your heart to…they can understand better than anyone on the planet…because they, too, have experienced loneliness at your level.
#2 – Pain From Criticism
All pastors receive criticism–ALL! Sometimes it is warranted and other times it is not–BUT the thing most people don’t realize is that it always hurt. (Especially when someone begins by saying, “Now don’t take this personally, but…”)
I have had the type of car I drive criticized, the house I live in, the shoes I wear (seriously), how much I sweat and the gym, how I preach, you name it. AND when criticism comes from those who know me and love me I always receive it and see what the Lord would have to say to me through it. Wounds from a friend can be trusted–BUT…
Real pain is experienced when those who don’t know you at all feel some sort of mandate from God to attack you via their website or other venue…yet they’ve never had a conversation with you nor do they ever intend to.
Real pain occurs when people take a segment of what you said in a sermon and base an entire opinion about you based on a two minute segment of a clip from the internet. Pastors, you will be misquoted and misrepresented by those who lack the courage to take the time to get to know you…or MAYBE even hit their knees for you if they are so convinced that you are wrong.
AND…if you get angry then you are “worldly.” If you ignore it then they feel like they were in the right. If you defend yourself then you are just “insecure.” You literally can’t win here!
And someone can say that those things should not matter all they want–but trust me friends, the pain is real.
Pastors, please keep something in mind…someone who continually attacks you and/or your ministry just isn’t normal. Seriously, if they visit your blog or listen to your sermons daily and then actually spend time tearing you apart…uh…just ask yourself who in the world has the time to do that! That is why I simply refuse to fight with them–it’s a waste of time.
#3 – Pain From Unrealistic Expectations
Pastors can NEVER do everything right. If we visit the hospital then we either stay too long or not long enough. When we preach we either are too shallow or too hard to understand. When we are at the office we either need to be in deep study AND also be available for every phone call, e-mail and every random person that happens to drop by. When we walk through the crowd we spend too much time with some people and not enough time with others.
Every move a pastor makes is being watched–and by many, scrutinized. People will place expectations on a pastor that they would never be willing to live up to themselves…and if he asks for help or says he is going under he is often reminded that, “Pastor–we pay your salary, get it done!
This is why many pastors families simply fall apart–they cave in to the expectations placed on them by selfish, self seeking church members who expect them to do everything–but never lift a finger to help…and forgetting something that most people never actually stop to think about–pastors are human beings with real feelings and a real heart. SO…the pastor spends all his time at church functions, ignores his family…and when his kids become hellions the “prayer groups” in the church gossip about him and tear him apart verbally.
Let me be VERY clear…I am blessed to serve here at NewSpring Church. God has shaped me so much over the past seven years; however, one of the things He has used to shape me is pain. Pain is not avoidable as a pastor–it’s real. Anytime I fall into thinking that my life should somehow be easy I read what the Apostle Paul said in II Corinthians 11:22-29–AND the words of Jesus in John 16:33.
Pastors–we will experience pain–that is just a fact of life. BUT in those times is when I have found that Jesus becomes more real to me than ever before. There are times we have to do what David did in I Samuel 30:1-6, focus on verse six–David strengthened himself in the Lord his God–and then went on to accomplish incredible things for His name!
I love my job…I love what God has called me to…there is NOTHING I would rather be doing–BUT, with the calling to follow there is a calling to carry the cross. BUT…pastors, it’s worth it. It is so worth it to be faithful. It is so worth it when we see people come to Christ. It is so worth it when we see a marriage restored. It is so worth it when we see the excluded included. It is so worth it when we see people receive hope. It is so worth it when we see addicts set free. It is SO WORTH IT!!!
To the pastor out there who is struggling–HANG ON! As I have said here before (that I heard someone else say), one day we will stand in front of One whose assignment was much tougher than ours–and He didn’t quit–neither should we. It’s so worth it! Pain IS a part of the process of being a pastor–and when it comes we should ask the Lord to shape us through it so that we may be more effectively used for His glory.
Jerry Falwell May 15, 2007
My heart was both sad and excited today when I heard the news about the passing of Jerry Falwell...sad because he will be missed…and excited because there is not a doubt in my mind that he is with Jesus Christ.
My admiration of Dr. Falwell runs deep because…
- He finished well…people did say mean things about him from time to time, but no one could attack the mans integrity–he truly loved Jesus until his last breath!
- He loved his wife…and ONLY his wife!!!
- He had a huge vision and never allowed anyone to alter it!
- He knew God’s Word!
- Whether you agreed with him or not–you knew where he stood. He had convictions and the guts to share them.
- He was willing to take action…and while some did not agree…at least he was willing to take steps instead of sit around and complain!
- He ALWAYS shared the Gospel whenever he was interviewed by the media.
- He always seemed pleasant when on television…many Christians I know look saved and mad about it–but Dr. Falwell genuinely seemed Christ-like.
Those are just some of the thoughts running through my mind about him. I hope that the ministry the Lord has given me will be half as successful as his.
Playing For An Audience Of One April 12, 2007
My posts this week on chasing turkeys and dealing with critics have generated a lot of e-mails…so I thought I would do one more post on the subject since it has seemed to strike a chord…and then I will move on.
I played football in the 5th and 6th grade. Our rec department in Easley ran the football program through the elementary school…and being that I went to McKissick elementary…I played for the McKissick Indians.
The first year I played we were awesome!!! We went 10-0, never lost a game. In fact, there was only one game all year long that we even close–the rest of the games we just pounded the other team.
But here’s the deal–I was on the bench for most of that season. I was HORRIBLE!!! I got to play the 3rd quarter every game…that is basically when the “scrubs” got to play…if we scored then it didn’t count…and we always had a coach on the field with us.
I was so huge that I could not really run…and when I did run I had to hold my pants up! (It really was a funny sight!) For the most part I just sat on the bench and stared at the cheerleaders…and by the end of the season I knew every cheer!
The next year was a little different…we went 7-3…and I got to start–but I was still horrible! I got hurt in practice one day, which was an excellent excuse for the coach to give my starting spot to another guy!
That same year (1982) we found out that my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was given less than six months to live. That was a HARD pill for me to swallow…I was a ma-ma’s boy to the core!
Another reason that it was tough is that in the 5th grade, my first year of playing football, she came to every single game. She even had a T-shirt made with my name and number on it…and when I made the ONE tackle that I did happen to get that year–I could hear her yelling in the stands.
But…my 6th grade year was different. When the season began she was in the hospital…and I knew she wasn’t going to get to make any of my games.
I remember finding out one day at practice that the coach was going to let me start the next game–I guess he felt sorry for me or something. I was excited and went home and told my mom. (They had allowed her to come home so that she could be “comfortable.”)
When she found out I was going to start she told my dad, “I am going to that game tomorrow.” He tried to tell her she could not go…but I guess she figured that she wanted to see my play one more time. So, my dad got a lounge chair and set it up for her…and when I ran out on the field I could hear her yelling my name.
I can tell you this…NOTHING else mattered to me that game. NOTHING! The only thing that I kept thinking was, “My mama is here…and I am going to do the very best I can!” I didn’t care about my fellow players or coaches…I played for an audience of one.
That game was the best game I ever played…I think I made something like 11 tackles…and I sacked the QB twice. I was out of my mind! And after every tackle I would get up and look at mama…and she would be smiling and cheering. I remember after the game her telling me how proud she was of me–and THAT is ALL that mattered.
She never saw me play again–but I will never forget that day & what it was like to play for an audience of one. I was consumed. I was focused. AND…the results were obvious.
Pastors (or anyone for that matter)–we are called to play for an audience of One. Life is like a playing field…and there are people who scream this and yell that…but ultimately you and I will stand before ONE and answer for what we did and did not do. And I want to know that HE is cheering me on…and that I am doing what He has called me to do!
We must play for an audience of One.
People will shoot their arrows–people will say things that hurt, are untrue…and there will be times when you consider quitting.
We must play for an audience of One.
There will be days that you think that going to hell could possibly be an upgrade!
We must play for an audience of One.
Pastors, we’ve got to know deep in our hearts that we are doing exactly what it is that He has called us to do. Our focus must be laser sharp and our conscience must be clear…and if that is the case then we can rest when our head hits the pillow at night.
I play for an audience of One! I do not make everyone happy–I can’t! But when I surrendered my life to Jesus in May of 1990 I confessed Him as Lord…and I will not recant that confession because someone does not like the fact that I pastor a mega-church or that I wear blue jeans on Sundays!
I play for an audience of One! If you play for the crowds you will experience confusion because of all the voices that come at you…AND frustration because they are all saying different things, yet claim to be speaking on behalf of God.
Play for an audience of One! Spend time alone with God–lots of time, pray–read Scripture–worship–listen to sermons–read books…and SEEK HIM WITH ALL YOUR HEART! One of the things I have discovered is that when I sincerely seek Him–He NEVER leaves me hanging!
It’s not easy to do this…at times I place my focus on the people in the stands…but that never brings me the peace and joy that are mine in Christ. It is His name that I bear…it is Him that I represent…and I do not do life or church for anyone except for Him.
I play for an audience of One!
Thank you Jesus for saving me!!! For changing me!!! May I honor You for the rest of my life. AND…tell my mom “hi” for me & that her prayers were not in vein…that I am a pastor, just like she prayed that I would be…and I will see her AND her new body one day…and we will rejoice and dance and sing…and will never be separated again!
Dealing With Critics – Five Questions That I Ask April 11, 2007
I have been a part of several pastors Q & A sessions in the past year–leading some and participating in others–and in EVERY session that I attended the question, “How do you deal with criticism” surfaced.
I will have to admit that I am NOT an expert in this area…I am still learning; however, I believe in order for a pastor (or church leader) to finish well he has to learn how to deal with this issue. Jesus dealt with it, so did the Apostle Paul…we all will. One of the number one factors in pastors leaving the ministry is discouragement…and so here are several questions that I ask when criticism flies my way…
#1 – How Well Does This Person Know Me?
One of the things that we have to learn as pastors is just because someone has a blog or knows how to type an e-mail…that does not make them an expert. (Yes, I put myself in this category.)
I cannot tell you the number of blog posts I have read and e-mails that I have received from people calling me prideful, a heretic, saying that I am going to hell…and those are the nice ones!!!
Pastors, you’ve got to understand WHO is doing the criticizing. People will often act before they think (I do) and make snap judgments on your character based on one line you wrote on your blog or something you said in a sermon in which they did not listen to the entire context.
And…to be honest, those are the people I do not listen to. I can’t! I don’t have time.
BUT…I do listen to those closest to me. I have created an open atmosphere among the leaders here at NewSpring…and behind closed doors I have been both encouraged and rebuked. You’ve got to have people around you who are willing to tell you the truth or this does not work.
AND…I listen to the people in our church, who are neck deep in ministry with us…their opinion matters! But those who don’t know me–I don’t have time to try to convince them I’m a good person…and if I try then they call me arrogant and say I should be more humble. :-)
#2 – What Attitude Does The Person Criticizing Have?
Bottom line, if someone comes at me with a negative, condemning attitude…I write it off. The Bible says that we are called to speak the truth…but we are called to do so in love.
#3 – Does What The Person Is Saying Pass Through The Filter Of Scripture?
DANG…I heard Erwin McManus say this once…and it has impacted me ever since. When someone comes at me with, “I think this,” and, “I think that,” but cannot back up their argument with Scripture…I write them off.
Let me say this–Scripture IN CONTEXT, I have discovered that there are some people out there who can make the Bible say anything they want it to say by misquoting God’s Word.
But Scripture in context…I will listen to that. For example, a few weeks ago a friend and I had some differences and I did not speak to this person for several days. Things were tense because we work around one another. She confronted me on this and said, “The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26 that we are not supposed to let the sun go down on us while we are angry…I would say you have done that.”
I was busted–she was right…she confronted me with a non-judgmental attitude and used Scripture in context…and I repented because I was wrong.
#4 – Is This Criticism Personal Or Shared By Others?
Pastors…here is the truth. We can receive hundreds of e-mails telling us how wonderful the sermon was…and one telling us that we are horrible preachers…and we will ignore the one hundred and focus on the one that was negative!
We all do it–I am the world’s worse!!!
OR–we will fall for the line, “I’ve been talking to a lot of people…and everyone is saying…” And then they will unload their personal agenda on us and say that everyone is saying the exact same thing. Which in most cases is not true. In fact, what I have discovered is that a person who usually says things like this don’t really have a lot of people who will talk to them anyway. Seriously!
And…if it is always the same person saying that “everyone is saying,” but they are the only person who is saying anything…then ask them who “everyone” is–this will usually shut them up!
#5 – Is This Worth My Time?
I used to try and fight every single ounce of criticism that came my way…and I just can’t do it anymore, and neither can you.
Now, there are some things that are worth my time…and I do address issues on the blog from time to time that I feel are necessary.
BUT…what I have discovered is that the majority of the criticism I get simply isn’t worth my time. I am NOT going to change the person’s mind…and “friendly debate” is out of the question…so I just move on.
I am JUST getting to where I can do this. I used to search & see what other bloggers were saying about me…but I don’t do that anymore–and neither should you! It robs your joy!!!
I don’t know if this helps you–but it has helped me. Pastors, we will always experience hurt in ministry. But, if I may use a sports analogy, the players that we most admire are the ones that play hurt and still make things happen. This rung true with me at C3 this past year when Craig Groeschel said that pastors play hurt every week.
- Craig plays hurt
- Ed Young plays hurt
- Mark Driscoll plays hurt
- Rob Bell plays hurt
- Erwin McManus plays hurt
- Rick Warren plays hurt
We all play hurt…but that is a part of finishing well…knowing that it will all work out in the end.
God bless…
Chasing Turkeys April 10, 2007
So I got up yesterday morning and Herman (the turkey) was back. For those who don’t understand–let me explain. On Saturday Lucretia informed me that she had seen a giant turkey in our yard…I wasn’t sure if she really had…or if being pregnant had caused her to crave turkey and this thing she had seen was wishful thinking. Anyway…
On Sunday she came into my study at home and informed me that the turkey was back…and so I went to take a look and there he was. I went to get my camera…but when I went outside he took off.
Yesterday after I had my quiet time I walked into our bedroom and jokingly asked ‘Cretia, “Is Herman (this is what I named the turkey) back?” She said, “Yep–he has been gobbling just a little.” I looked outside and there he was…I guess he is fascinated with our yard. I ran and grabbed my camera again…and this time I did snap a picture. (I will post it as soon as one of our wonderful geeks will show me how!)
After the excitement that Herman created I went down in the basement to hop on the treadmill…but I took the camera with me so that, just in case Herman decided to come near the window, I could get a better snapshot of him.
When I looked out the window–there he was…just walking around the yard. I knew I needed to workout, but I could not stop staring at this stupid turkey…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks, “Hey Perry…get on with what you came down here for and stop chasing turkeys.”
WOW…that floored me. Because, for me, in that moment, it meant so much more than what was going on outside with Herman. I honestly believe that God ordained that moment to communicate something to me that some of my friends have been trying to tell me for a long time…to not waste time chasing things that are meaningless.
Are there things in your life that you are chasing that are meaningless? Is there anything that has your attention that is keeping your eye off of the main thing?
For me it was the way I deal with critics and skeptics. There is something in me that, every time someone says a negative, critical word about me and/or the church I feel the need to lash out–to defend what we are doing…to try and change the person’s mind. AND…after seven years of “chasing turkey’s” I am finally confessing that I just can’t do it anymore.
NO…I am NOT going to quit what I am doing; in fact, I am about to get more serious about this church and the vision that God has given me than I ever have. He laid something on my heart to begin to pray for on Saturday morning…and in order for this to happen I can’t chase turkey’s…I’ve got to stay focused.
Now I am not talking about people who have genuine questions about our church…what I am talking about are blogs and such…people who do not know me personally and that have never attended our church, yet still feel a need to critique what is going on here. In the past they have gotten my attention–but no more. I can’t–it’s not worth my time–and it takes away from me trying to be focused on what God has placed me on this planet to do.
I would ask for your prayers in this area of my life. It is so hard to not chase turkeys…to not fight…to not go after people who attack what is so near and dear to my heart. But…there are thousands of people in the upstate that need to meet Jesus…and if given the choice between them or turkey’s…the turkey’s lose every time.
NewSpring–our best days are ahead! I can’t wait to see what God is going to do next.
(I will be doing a post later on this week OR early next week about some things I have learned in dealing with critics…and some steps I have taken in order to guard myself.)