How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part Four August 28, 2009

Final post…

#6 – Stop Looking At Other Houses!

The thing a lot of people do when they begin to build a house is look at other houses and covet things about that house instead of being thankful for the one they have.

The same is true with pastors…the reason so many are falling is they are buying satans lie that “the grass is greener on the other side,” not realize that the only reason that is so is because that grass is over the septic tank.

Job 31:1…dude, memorize it, get it tattooed on your face, do whatever you need to do…but STOP looking at other women and thinking, “I did everything wrong with my wife…but if I could start over with her then things would be awesome.”

Not true…if you started over with her you would still be the weak, pathetic wus that you are right now…the one who would run when the heat gets turned up, the one who would care more about your feelings than the wake of destruction you would leave, the one who would refuse to repent and then uses God’s grace as an excuse to continue to sin.

Bottom line…if you run from this marriage you will run from the one you think will be awesome!!!  Stop LOOKING and “your dream house” and make the one you’ve got right now YOUR DREAM HOUSE!!!

The dude who was consumed with sex and himself was never used by God to do great things…ever!

One more thing…

Some pastors might not be about to have an affair or jump out of their marriage…but you are addicted to porn.  Dude…it’s sin, you know it…and you need to get help because it WILL destroy your marriage.  Trust me…as a former porn addict I know the damage it will cause.  You’ve GOT to stop looking at other men’s daughters like that…and, if you need help, get help.

(Here is a blog post I did several years ago where I outline my personal battle with pornography and how I was able to gain victory over it!)

Final Thoughts…

I know I came across as strong in some of these posts…I meant to.  Because, in the end, I have a heart for pastors…and I want to see more, not less, cross the finish line and be able to say, “I have fought the good fight…I have kept the faith.”

It’s NEVER been easy to give up on marriage that it is right now…and that’s why I am calling on ALL pastors and church leaders to do whatever we can to make sure our marriages are healthy.

No one wants to see another ministry destroyed because the pastor could not keep it in his pants!!!  AND…if we are going to call the men in our churches to high standards of integrity then we’ve GOT to lead the way.

How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part Three August 27, 2009

#4 – Work

When the builders show up next door they don’t just walk in the house and lay down and begin to pray that the work will get done…they walk onto the property ready to work.

Unfortunately the reason so many pastors marriages go bad is that they are willing to pray for their marriage…but unwilling to roll up their sleeves and actually work on it.

Like I have alluded to before…pastors know how to work on the Bride of Christ…they just don’t know how to work on the bride the Lord has given them…and that needs to be repented of!

Guys…what matters to your wife?  What does she consider to be romantic?  What does she consider to be fun?

The bottom line is this…in my marriage Lucretia defines success for me—that’s it!  She is the one who lets me know if I am being successful as a husband…or if I am being slack.

And pastor—YOUR marriage WILL TAKE WORK.  We can’t complain about how bad our marriage is if we haven’t given our best effort.

So…ask yourself that question…are you giving your marriage the very best you’ve got…or are you giving your wife leftovers and expecting her to give you a feast?

(I did this blog post just a few weeks ago about questions husbands should ask their wives…it’s a good place to begin.)

#5 – Invite others to help

The house next door has a leader who heads up the project…but he isn’t going at it alone.  If one dude tried to build the house it would take FOREVER to get it done…and maybe he might not ever finish it because there are just some things that a man can’t do alone.

One of a man’s BIGGEST sins (including pastors) is the issue of PRIDE!  We HATE admitting we’re in over our heads.  We HATE saying that there is a problem that we just can’t handle…but reality is…God didn’t intend for us to do life alone.

How exactly does this apply to marriage?  Simple…two ways…

The first is…if you are struggling in your marriage…ASK FOR HELP!  I don’t care if you are the freakin pastor…GET HELP NOW!  James 5:16 tells us to confess sin to one another and pray for one another.  Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us we need others in our lives to SPUR and ENCOURAGE us!

Dude…there is TOO MUCH AT STAKE to let your pride get in the way of you getting help.  Don’t allow your stupidity to shipwreck the faith of so many people.

Let me say it again…if you need help…ASK FOR IT!  The only reason a person in the body of Christ EVER has to drown is because they don’t have the courage to ask for a life preserver!

The second is…spend time with people who have an awesome marriage.  Take them out to dinner and ask them a lot of questions.  It’s amazing what we can learn from others who have gone before us.

The third is…(I know I said two)…read as much as you can about marriage.  Many of us have recommended lots of books to others…but have you actually read them and followed the advice yourself?

We NEED each other…unfortunately, LOTS of pastors have buddies—very few actually have friends, which makes this hard.  We should seek to establish deep friendships and be willing to be transparent with those closest to us…like I said, we can’t make it on our own.

How Pastors (And Everyone) Can Build A Marriage That Will Last – Part Two August 26, 2009

#3 – Show Up

Here’s the deal about the house next door…the dudes working on it show up EVERY DAY…EARLY…and stay late.

Hey church leader…in order to build a home you need to BE AT HOME…period!

I know WAY too many pastors who let the expectations and demands of needy, clingy church people (notice I didn’t say Christians) DRIVE them to a place of insanity and burnout…and then those same church people will stand around his coffin and talk about how he should have taken better care of himself.

Too many pastors are at other kids baseball games and missing their own kids baseball game…this HAS TO STOP!

Guys…we’ve GOT to spend time at home…and NOT apologize for it.  We’ve GOT to be with our spouse in order to work on the marriage.

My recommendation…ask her questions like…

• What time would you like me home every night?
• How many nights a week would you like for us to have dinner as a family?
• How can I serve you and the kids once I get home?
• What can I do for you when the kids go to bed to make you feel special?  (BTW…she’s not going to say, “channel surf!”)

Now…before I move on…let me deal with the nasty reason many church leaders don’t want to go home…

Because at home they are NOT “a rock star!”

You see, at church, at ANY size church, the pastor is “the man.”  He’s respected and admired and often complimented by others.  In many cases this can produce a false perception of power and control…and the pastor begins to think that everyone who sees him needs to bow and pay homage.  (Which is something that needs to be repented of…they don’t serve us…we serve one another and we all serve Christ!)

Then he goes home…and his wife and kids just aren’t impressed with him.  (Dude, your wife has seen you naked…there is ABSOLUTELY nothing about you that impresses her!)  And…some guys can’t handle being the servant at home…they have to be “the man,” and that NEVER contributes to a healthy marriage.

One of the BEST things we can BEG God for is for Him to allow us to see ourselves through His eyes…which will not usher in feelings of pride but rather humility and gratitude!

The other day I spent hours in a meeting talking about campuses, budgets, traveling…all kinds of HUGE decisions that needed making.  Then I left church and went home…where in less than five minutes I was wiping Charisse’s butt because she had just dropped a bomb!  God uses things like this at times to remind me, “At the end of the day…all you are is a servant…and don’t ever forget it!”

Guys…guess what…we’ve got to see “butt wiping” as just as important as budgeting!   We’ve got to see setting the table as just as important as setting up a service.  We’ve got to see washing dishes as just as important as watching sermons on youtube!  We’ve GOT TO BE THERE for our wife and kids…

If we’re not there for our family…satan will be…don’t let him lead what God has give you responsibility for!